Me...Always Redifining

Hey Again its been awhile

2011-10-09T09:04:00.001-07:00

Wow its been almost a whole year since Ive written. Not sure why---alot has happened over the last year. First and foremost I got my personal training certification, opened up a personal training business. My philosophy is to be your own personal best, always.

We closed down our cleaning business and started another. We fired all our employees and downsized to get back to basics. It was just too crazy.

Kids are doing well. Matthew finally got placed in his behavior intervention school so we are hoping thats what he needs to change things around.

Ive been hit with the baby bug since my daughter has now started kindergarten I am feeling the pressure of her getting older and not needing her "mommy" as much. Other then that I am handling it as best I can. She is growing up into such a firecracker. She is alot like me but alittle different. I think she is much more social then I am, or maybe she can just tolerate people for longer than I can! She loves makeup-hair-clothes as much as I do and that is exciting as we will have fun shopping together when she gets alittle older.

She loves music, art and dancing all things that I enjoy. Plus she really gets into Yoga and working out with me so thats awesome. We can bond on getting and staying healthy together!

Me, always redefining

2010-12-09T18:34:00.000-08:00

I am running down a long hallway in my mind, there are closed doors all around me and I stop at one for no apparant reason. It opens and I am hesitant to step through....I take a step and then I stop, one foot in and one foot remains in the hallway.

I see my self spinning out of control, dragged by my hair by some unknown source of power. Confusion and frusteration, anger and resentment builds for this because I am no longer in control of my own life. I am being moved around by the past, the memory of an unknown being, the scent, the touch, the feel of the past is consuming and a sick feeling washes over my body. I try to get up, to push this power off of me, I decide again that it has no power over me, only the power I give it. I am foolish to waste so much time on this power, on this past, on this person. And then the anger washes over me again because it brings back so much pain, confusion and hate back into my heart. Bringing up the past only brings up more of the past and the pain that comes from it.

I think to myself I didnt sign up for this, I never wanted this. Now is my time to run, the old Janel would run, far away and pretend that she could recover....but not this time, no this new Janel is unconditionally in love, in too deep to run away. It all means too much now. The marriage vows meant something this time.

And then I realize again that having custody of Kevins kid, means I now have to deal with what comes with that reality. The ex, the one he stuck his dick in, so many years ago. The one who now has no teeth, poor, white trash who Kevin now would not have touched with a 10 foot pole. And then I hate her even more because her child should have been mine, I am his mom. I am there when he hurts himself, to help with the homework, to pick him up from school, to take him out for pizza and soccer practice, and hiking, and to the park and all the things I do with Jasmyn and for her. And I hate her again because she doesnt care enough about Kevins kid to ever have been a good mom to him, I hate her for not loving Kevin enough to take care of his kid to begin with. I hate her for destroying his childhood, for giving him away to who ever would take him, for putting him in harms way and for not showing him the way a real woman acts in this world.

And then I am released from my hair, the bruises on my knees vanish and I find myself fully inside the door, the door is now closed and what surrounds me is a thick forest, I cant get through right away. I have to take my time clawing at the branches, things keep changing colors, I am happy one minute and angry the next, I hear children laughing, I see myself next to Kevin years down the line, proudly seeing his son graduate, and see his son thanking me for never giving up on him. And I turn into happiness, gratefulness that the sacrifice and the vulnerability I put myself into was not taken for granate, that it wasnt wasted on this boy.

And then I feel a strong fear wash over me, and that vanishes and I am standing alone, naked, driven by an intense sexual desire and I realize that Kevin may not want me in years to come, I may become too much for him sexually. He may tire of my need for sex, my undying cravings, my constant need, he may want a girl less demanding,one who isnt always looking for the next adventure, one who needs drama, one who is less attractive who demands less attention. And then that fear continues, I see myself alone, growing older, chasing the next big thing on my own, sexually active and unsafe and I see my daughter alone at home, fatherless.....

And something wakes me up when I am writing this and sorry for the dreamlikeness of this but its the only way I could get these fears down on my blog. I have very real fears of giving my all to this family, having to put up with the ex, and just having it all blow up in my face anyway.

Ive never loved like this, I dont know how to deal with life if it were to go away. And I have such strong needs that I have a very real fear of pushing someone away. I would lose it all, all of my emotions would be for nothing. And then the inner of my soul reminds me that I AM A RISKTAKER and that I must take this risk in this family, in this life, because if I run from this I will regret it for the rest of my life. I will never love like this again, this is the love that people dream about. I have to get this together I have to have these fears pass.

I trust myself in that I wont run away, but I need to stop punishing myself for having very real fears that anyone in this new situation would have. I know having custody of his son is whats best for him and I am glad I get the chance to show him how a real mother is supposed to treat her son. But at the end of the day I am not his mother and he could never, ever even care about me. I love him because I love Kevin and he is a part of Kevin. I cant explain it better than that. God help me please, I need to get it together. My mind is too involved, I have seperated my spiritual self from my physical self too much. There is no stopping it now. I am too awake spiritually to ever not "feel" everything completely and maybe even too much.

Dear Kevin

2010-10-29T21:14:00.001-07:00

From the depths of my core I am so proud to be your wife. I am so excited about the new oppurtunities that are coming to our life together and I am so glad it is being shared now, with you.

You are my soulmate, my other half, you read my mind, my thoughts, your touch sets me on fire, your energy courses through my body and I am so lucky....

I thank god everyday for you. I am so grateful, so appreciative of this life, of what I have learned and of what I am able to share with you.

I love the life we are creating together, and in death I know we will create a wonderful heaven together :)

Cynical minded none the less

2010-10-21T07:33:00.000-07:00

Im happy because today my cynical mindedness, my negative thoughts about being stressed are gone. They vanished with my climax this morning from much needed love making.

Our business is insane right now, Kevin is working with me fulltime now and thats way I havent been blogging as much. We got married, honeymooned and since have been eating, breathing our business. I am so happy that success has finally came around, but it is stressful, time consuming and you let it can drain you. I find myself having to plan lovemaking sessions, 15 minutes of alone time for myself even if I only get to do a few yoga moves, shopping trips, etc just so I dont become an all work and no play makes Janel a dull girl.

I cant live wondering the what ifs, taking risks is in my nature and its an adrenaline rush that I cant pass up. But then of course my cynical mind takes over and the true raw fears of what ifs start to creep in. Large amounts of money start to become smaller and smaller and smaller until you find yourself chasing your next big risk.

The entrepenuer spirit is a never ending cycle. The whole mindset is you dont put all your eggs in one basket. Ask any successful business person and they will tell you about all their multiple ventures. You can never be happy with just one thing, you must keep chasing the risk, evolving and growing to acheive your success.

Im 24 and well on my way. People think Im nuts, but I tell them when Im 45 Im gonna be rich enough to do what ever the hell I want. Im gonna be hot enough to feel good about myself for me and my husband and the kids will be out of the house so my husband and I will be able to honeymoon and trist and fall in love a million times over so we make it together to our 90s.

Most twentysomethings are partying it up, and I had my taste after Nima, but quite frankly I felt lifeless, meaningless and directionless. I see too many people who get stuck in that lifestyle and wake up 35, overwieght, and underpaid, and alone. I dont want that and I want to teach my kids to have fun but to also focus their energies on acheiving success at a younger age so they can truly enjoy life when they are older.

My greatest fear is being 85 and having to be a door greeter at walmart. I see it all the time and my heart breaks. An 85 year old woman needs to be out, living her last moments of life in Italy, or France, breathing the fresh air, walking her dog, not greeting some idiots in walmart.

So here is this blog for me to express my fears, my angers, trials, HAPPINESS to get me to something of feeling normal, refreshed relaxed. I love how I feel after Ive written a big long hairy blog.

It calms me down, makes me remember Im on the right track and things are fine.

Wedding and playing catch up

2010-10-20T20:58:00.001-07:00

SO Here are some wedding pictures. I couldnt have asked for anything better. It was small, casual and comfy. We got married in my dads backyard, there were no stuffy over priced fluffly things just a small group of family and friends.

Red velvet cake was nice too:)

Nothing Like a Shot Gun Wedding

2010-06-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

Wait....they dont love you like I love you!

SO we decided to tie the knot and its happening in 2 weeks and I am so excited. I have lost weight to reach my goal. I am 125 I cant believe it. I have of course the idea of how I want it to go, but honestly I dont even care if it goes that way or not.

My dress is a mermiad gown which hugs my curves and then flares out at the bottom. Its completely backless and sexy and since my hair has grown out alot it flows just to the beginning of the dress so I think it will look really great.

Jasmyn is going to be the flower girl and were having it in my fathers backyard. Holy shit I cant believe how far Ive come since last year.

I need ideas and suggestions for our wedding night, I am wanting to surprise him in a fun way as a kind of hey this is whats to come sort of way...

Creating My own life

2010-04-14T20:03:00.001-07:00

I have found myself once again remembering what I have always known and that is that every thought I have becomes a thing. I know this and yet I always seem to forget, and then when life hits the shit I end up remembering and my life turns right back around again like clock work.

Every thought becomes a thing, and most of my thoughts lately have been motivated by fear. Not sure why---KIDDING. I aboslutely know why, I am getting married in July to a man who is completely unlike any man Ive ever been with before.

A. Hes white
B. Hes a kid at heart
C. He is country
D. He is Army not Marine
E. He is high strung but fun
F. He used to be a huge man whore
G. Ex pro wrestler ( now you understand the man whore)
H. He used to drink alot, now not alot
I. He loves Jasmyn like his own and he says he loves me the same but I am SCARED

I feel so vulnerable. He could really hurt me. I mean he could tear my heart to shreds. I was never really in love with anyone else before. I mean I loved Nima but in a hes the father of my daughter kind of way not in the omg I cant keep my hands off of you I think about you all day kind of way. And I am so afraid that all the things Ive done in this life are gonna catch up to me someday and I am going to be hurt by this man.

I have tried to justify a million times why I cheated on Nima. And yes he cheated first, but does that make my decision to cheat right? Not only that I cheated on him for months and he never suspected a thing! I had a relationship with another man under his nose, in his bed, in his car, his daughter knew the man, my family knew the man! Everyone around him knew about the other man except for him. YES Nima cheated on me but with more than one woman and it was just sex he never had an emotional connection to these women. He fucked each one once...there was never any relationships per say.

And not only that but what about the man I cheated with, what about his child and the relationship he had with his other woman? Did I completely ruin my chances at bliss by fucking up the karma tree.

OR did being in an abusive relationship even my karma out?

And is it normal to go through this when your truly in love and your heart is completely vulnerable to being broken....I mean really broken into a million peices where you never want to love again.

Days Like These:

2010-04-12T17:08:00.000-07:00

When your arms are around me and you are holding me tight I can finally rest my mind, I can unwind and find my zen. So many days of my life have been spent trying to figure out where I belong, trying to find my home, and in the moment of finally having that I am so desperately afraid that I will lose it. I am afraid that someone will take it from me.

Happiness it seemed was just a cliche, it would come and go in my negative mind like rain in the spring time. I dont know why now my mind has cleared and I am less afraid, I am more curious to see where this leads. Instead of requirements and restraints of a marriage to Nima I see oppurtunities and growth in a marriage with you.

Every day it seems we grow stronger, every obstacle whether it be outside people trying to break us down, or my own self-sabotage, we in the end are together and beaming with love.

I am no longer afraid of committment, I am no longer chasing a new man or a new mans attention at every turn. I am content with your attention, I am content by our committment. I do believe that you love me when I am laying on your shoulder and you kiss my forehead your subtle caresses your lingering eyes....

Your tears are real when Ive hurt you or when youve hurt me, your smile is genuine, your words are true. When you tell me Im beautiful I know its true I just know that this is meant to be.

I could have ran away so many times in my anti commitment urges, but I didnt. You could have let me go when I sabotaged your trust in me in an attempt to realize what I already had....

I love you honestly, true, free and forever

I hate the airport! and the memories remind me why

2010-03-26T12:13:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I drove through the exit to sky harbor I had a flashback of this exact place 2 years before. It was 5am a thursday in november ans we were running late for our chicago flight and I had made the mistake of talking back in defense as he was blaming me. And nima struck my face with the back of his hand so swiftly and stern it stung my skin my eyes swelled with tears and it started the downpour of insults. I remember thanking god that jas was asleep in the back. I remember the car stopping and being told to get out and having to pretend that everything that just happened didn't. He apologized and it was all I love yous and it'll never happen again I swears. Now I see how trapped and isolated I trully was. I am so glad I had the courage to leave that man. I don't want to picture what my life would be like now if I hadn't....

My heart feels like its gonna explode

2010-03-24T20:07:00.000-07:00

My mind never stops not for a second it winds around like a damn clock ticking away in my head
the ideas flow through my brain attacking every nerve
I cant stop and sit still without feeling like I should be doing something

I sit down and the emotions flood my heart, maybe thats the real reason I never let myself sit
I have to face myself on those moments and I dont like it

the vulnerability the total submission of my heart has fallen into this whole of fear

you dont understand but i love you

I miss everything about you

2010-03-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

I miss the way I felt when you stepped off the plane in your uniform, I miss the way I felt when you took my hand on valentines day, I miss the way you used to make love to me, I miss the way you used to just kiss me at random, I miss the way we used to be.

I miss feeling secure with you, I miss your bear hugs, I miss your bitchiness, I miss your frusterated ways. I miss everything about you.

Now it seems like anxiety has taken over holding me hostage I want to scream, I want to cry out to you, I want you to see me here alone waiting for you to come back to where we once were before the world got ahold of us and told us how to live to love and to breathe.

I hate whats happening to me, my fears are taking over my life engulfing me, sabbotaging me from maybe the only oppurtunity at love at least real love.

Come back to me JANEL so that KEVIN will be the same in your eyes

The World Is A vampire sent to drain!

2010-02-16T14:42:00.000-08:00

I am tired of jealous women who want nothing better to do with their lives then to try and meddle into other peoples relationships. Its annoying, classless and quite frankly pathetic.

I enjoy the fact that women take such interest in me that they waste minutes throughout their day to think of ways to affect me with their words, their negativity, I am flattered by their facination with my life since its a pretty damn good one I probably would be interested in it to if I didnt have it.

I just am not a judgemental jeolous person and I dont understand people who are.

I never will and thats a good thing

30 days of no sex and Kevin free is enough to just about kill me

2010-01-14T18:18:00.000-08:00

As long as the army thing makes him happy. But what in the world would I do without cellphones? Hes gone for 2 and half more weeks and I am about ready to die from the lack of physical contact. Phone sex is not the same and Ive sent enough naughty pictures Ive had it up to here. Its like when masturbation has lost its fun your fucking done lol

I cant wait for him to come home. He has no idea whats about to happen to him when he gets home or on the way home from the airport for that matter. The sex crazed being he loves about me will be unleashed lol.

On another note I am scared, nervous excited about my magazine stuff coming out next month. The editor is sending me a cd with all the pictures on it and also a copy of the magazine. Im scared to death, I hope I look good enough and dont cringe at opening the pages lol. I know Im hard on myself but its intense. People will actually look at these and it being my post baby body even.

Oh well. It should be interesting.

3 jobs back to back tomorrow so Im gonna get some shut eye

Breathe just Breathe

2010-01-07T13:50:00.000-08:00

Dear Nima,

I cant understand why you decided to post pictures of Jasmyn so casually as if you actually decided today that this year you would suddenly want to show her off as your own. Well fuck you! Youve been absent for a whole year and you cant just decide one day to change that around and show her off as if youve been around, she is who she is today because of me. Because I have busted my ass and given her everything she needs and when you took everything from us and tried to harm us I was the one who put the peices back together. Not you. Now your with some old woman and even your mother laughs at you, at it. She doesnt want to know anyone else dont you get it she wont accept anyone else truly until you take care of what you threw away.

I left you and you cant handle it the rejection and so you had to throw a fit like a child and now suddenly you decide its time to present to the world this daughter that we made together. Well no I wont surrender you will not win at this war. I love her truly and you are not a man but a child.

Being with you was the worst mistake of my life. I resent every breaking moment with you you were nothing but lies. Forever you think we will be attached but its not true! I decided not to be. She doesnt need a dad like you. She has someone better then you.

I was wrong

2009-12-18T20:18:00.000-08:00

Perhaps the rode to hell is paved with good intentions. Alas she was only paving the streets with glass, broken glass.

Well I thought Fataneh was wanting to start over and try to work this whole mess out instead it seems she isnt as mature as I would have thought. So we are back at square one. She and Kevin will never be able to mend this shit and so it will forever be awkward.

I dont know if I should just cut all ties from people who love my daughter....for the person I love???

Surprised there might be a light at the end of this tunnel

2009-12-16T19:53:00.001-08:00

Fataneh amazed me. I am actually happy that she is changing her attitude towards things. I think time heals all.

Anyway Christmas eve it looks as thought Jasmyn, Kevin and myself are going to be joining her, Abe, Rodney, Nooshin, Ava and her boyfriend. I look forward to seeing Ava its been awhile.

I am so impressed by how Kevin reacted and how supportive he is being. I feel so lucky. I feel like he really does love Jasmyn as his own and is willing to do whatever is best for her.

My heart seems to melt more everytime I see him and Jasmyn together. He is all I ever wanted and I am so happy he is this way for Jasmyn. She deserves a dad and he is the best Dad she could ever have.

Doset Daram Kevin Joon

2009-12-15T20:15:00.000-08:00

Barat mimiram برات می میرم ( I die for you) by Shahram Shabpareh شهرام شب پره

اگه تو دستتو بدی تو دستم
Age to dasteto bedi tou dastam
If you give your hand to my hand
یه روزی بذاری به تو برسم
Ye rozi bezari be to beresam
Let me to reach you one day
جونم نخوری دروغی قسم
Gonamo nakhori doroghi gasam
Don’t swear to my life falsely
قربونت می شم من ، برات می میرم ، من ، برات می میرم
Gorbonet misham man , barat mimiram, man, barat mimiram
I will sacrifice myself for you , I die for you , I , I die for you

اگه تو بیای پیشم خونه
Age to biaee pisham khoneh
If you come to my home
لج نکنی و نزنی چونه
Lag nakoni va nazani choneh
Don’t be obstinate and don’t play with me
بوسه بدی به من یه دونه
Boseh bedi be man ye doneh
Give me a kiss
قربونت می شم من ، برات می میرم
Gorbonet misham man, barat mimiram
I will sacrifice myself for you, I die for you

اگه در دل واکنی شما
Age dere delo vakoni shoma
If you open your heart for me
ورودی شو امضا کنی شما
Vorodisho emza koni shoma
And sign my authorization (for entering to your heart)
ما رو تو دلت جا کنی شما
Ma ro tou delet ga koni shoma
Let me to be in your heart
قربونت می شم من ، برات می میرم
Gorbonet misham man, barat mimiram
I will sacrifice myself for you , I die for you

اگه که بامن تو عشق بازی
Age ke ba man tou eshgbazi
If you in the love game with me
بدون کلک و حقه بازی
Bedone kalak o hoghebazi
With out cheat and trick
دلت رو به دل من ببازی
Deleto be dele man bebazi
Lose your heart to mine ( it means “ love me”)
قربونت می شم من ، برات می میرم
Gorbonet misham man , barat mimiram
I will sacrifice myself for you , I die for you

اگه تو بیای پیشم حالا
Age to biay pisham hala
If you come to me now
با هم می ریم کوچه بالا
Ba ham mirim koche bala
We will go to next street
می خرم یه گلوبند طلا
Mikharam ye gelobande tala
I will buy (for you) a golden necklace
می ندازم به گردن تو بلا
Mindazam be gardane to bala
I will dedicate to you my dear
اگه تو بشینی پیشم حالا
Age to bishini pisham hala
If you sit near me now
می آرم یه حلقه طلا
Miaram ye halgeye tala
I will give you a golden ring
تا بدونم مال منی تو از حالا
Ta bedonam male mani to az hala
Because I want to know you are mine from this moment
قربونت می شم من ، برات می میرم ، وای ی ی ، والا !!!!!!
Gorbonet misham man, barat mimiram
I will sacrifice myself for you , I die for you
برات می میمیرم ، برات می میمیرم !!!!!!
barat mimiram , barat mimiram
I die for you , I die for you

Standing Still

2009-12-15T19:58:00.000-08:00

Questions are circling my mind. I wonder in the depth of my soul what I am supposed to do. Do I follow my heart and throw my insecurities to the wind. Drown them in a sea of good ole faith and just go for it?

Do I take the plunge the risk into that deep abiss of unknown? People tell me that there is no difference between what I am living now and marriage except for a peice of paper. That I already have the commitment might as well make it legit.

But I am so afraid to be hurt again. I honestly thought I would be with Nima forever. I never thought everything that happened would have happened and I am terrified that this love I have now with Kevin will hurt me even worse. I actually am in love with Kevin, a new emotion I didnt entirely have with Nima. AND the intensity of it burns me to the core. I am so scared he is gonna hurt me. That hes gonna do damage beyond repair.

On the other hand I want him to call me his own for always. I want to grow old with him. I want to always experience this life with him. I want that salon in Chicago, this cleaning business, I want those houses in tennesse, I want that villa in Italia, I want that penthouse in New York. I want it all and I see him there. Whereas I only used to see myself.

He has accepted so much. He has accepted and started to support my modeling, He 100% supports my business ventures, he loves and accepts Jasmyn even though he has issues with middle east. He lets me eat my hummus and listen to my beloved farsi music and dance to persian Leila and he even likes my persian food.

He makes me feel okay, safe and loved and I am so scared to lose that. Allah Akbar----my heart is twisted inside please keep me safe allah for always and hold me to your light---let me always be this happy

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

2009-12-14T19:41:00.001-08:00

"Headstrong"

Circling your, circling your, circling your head,
Contemplating everything you ever said
Now I see the truth, I got doubt
A different motive in your eyes and now I’m out
See you later
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

[Chorus:]
(Fuck!)
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong
Headstrong we’re headstrong
Back off I’ll take you on
Headstrong to take on anyone
I know that you are wrong and this is not where you belong
I can’t give everything away
I won’t give everything away

[Verse 2:]
Conclusions manifest, your first impressions got to be your very best
I see you’re full of shit, and that’s alright
That’s how you play, I guess you’ll get through every night
Well now that’s over
I see your fantasy, you want to make it a reality paved in gold
See inside, inside of our heads (yeah)
Well now that’s over
I see your motives inside, decisions to hide

[Chorus]

[Verse 3:]
I know, I know all about [x3]
I know, I know all about your motives inside, and your decision to hide

[Chorus]

Mahmoud Serajji INSTANT CLASSIC

2009-12-14T13:31:00.001-08:00

by Mahmoud Seraji
11-Dec-2009

آنکه دیوانه و رسوای جهان ساخت مرا

دیده بر دیده من دوخته نشناخت مرا

مزد بد نامی‌ و رسوایی من بود که دوست

این چنین راحت و بی‌ دغدغه پرداخت مرا

سوز دل ضعف تن و حسرت و ناکامی و درد

آری، آری، به چنین روز بد انداخت مرا

یادم آمد ز شبی‌ کز سر سرمستی گفت

"باخت آنکس که مرا دیده و دل باخت مرا"

من در اندیشه که این شوخی‌ زیبا و لطیف

همچو یک شعله حقیقت شد و بگداخت مرا

بعد از آن با همه کس یار و من اغیار شدم

سوختم از غم تنهایی و ننواخت مرا

هر چه من دور سرش چرخ زدم از سر شوق

چون فلاخن شدم و دورتر انداخت مرا

شهدا گٔل به جمال غم دیرینش باد

که در این روز بد از دیده نینداخت مرا

محمود سراجی، م س شاهد

I have a Damn Good Life

2009-11-11T14:35:00.000-08:00

I love working for 3 hours and making as much money as someone who just worked a hard 8 hours, I love being able to take a long lesiure lunch with my man, I love having my OWN money in the bank and the freedom to do what I want, when I want

I just LOVE it

2009-11-09T10:37:00.000-08:00

Kevin is opening up so much sexually to me. Its amazing his willingness to suddenly explore sex in a new fun way. He in so many ways had held onto the shame of sex and fucking with someone you love. He was saving those romps for women he cared nothing for and thus getting bored with the ones he actually cared about.

So many people do this. They feel that you have to "respect" the woman you love. Quite the contrary the whole point of being in a relationship with someone you love is to be able to explore all the things you want to sexually with that person. To be 100% comfortable to be bent over and backwards and hanging out 100% naked and soaked from cumming, and being able to squirt in their mouth without warning and all the fun stuff that comes from being comfortable with someone.

I want him to be 100% comfortable with telling me all his dirty little fantasys and fulfilling them as much as I can. If were in this for the long run I want it to be fun, never boring, never mundane. I want him always to want me to know he has the control over my body to make it do things no other man has been able to make it do.

I want to explore things I have never done, or tried with him and have him open to stepping out of his box of shame and seeing how much fun he can have with me his woman, I am his all in one. I am his whore, his slut, but at the same time his love, his queen, his princess, I want him to know I want to take care of him in all aspects. I want to cater to his every want, his every desire in a such a way that he knows I love him.

Last night we started off by watching soft porn. He knows my secret lust for lesbian porn, and he doesnt mind it one bit. At first I think he was concerned or maybe didnt quite understand but now he can have fun with it. And now I think he kind of likes watching porn with me. He can get his full of other naked chics without feeling bad about it. ;)

While he lay there naked and looking like the perfect male specimen for all my dirty thoughts, he watched the tv and I began my fun on him. I started at the neck, then ran my tongue along the tip of his nipples ( he loves that) I worked my way down to his perfectly thick and ample sized dick. I toyed with it lovingly until he plunged it into my mouth. I worked my magic, over and over again, he was trying so hard to dominate me the way I like it. And it turned me on so much so that when he worked his hand down my pants he couldnt beleive the invitation he was receiving from my wetness.

We went to the bedroom and there all hell broke lose it was as if every shyness, or worry he once had had disappeared. He threw me on the bed, threw my legs in the air and started licking my soaked pussy with such passion and expression I was begging for him, he would finger me, take it out, lick me again, then slap his dick against my aching pussy. I was in sheer bliss. When he finally started to fuck me it was intense. He would fuck me, then stop, lick me, put it in my mouth, fuck me again, and then it stopped and we started kissing so intensely making love with every thrust and kiss it was so passionate, so enthralling I was completely wrapped up in this moment with him. I was so satisfied with every sound he made I could barely stand it.

And then it was crazyness again I couldnt stand it. He told me to get on top of him and fuck him, and I did as he told. He dominance was turning me on so much he knew it. He grabbed me, wrapped his hands around my neck while I rode him and I couldnt take it anymore he took me to that place, and I squirted. He couldnt beleive it, I had never done it with him before, never had such an intense orgasm with him before and it was even more intimate now. He kissed me even deeper. I wanted him in my mouth again, as I slid down to his dick again he turned me around and started eating me again. He was so intense so deep. I knew he was enjoying this as much as I was his dick was throbbing against my mouth, his moans were just as intense as my own. And then he started fingering me as he ate me, he would add a finger each time I came, it was driving me insane. And then he couldnt stand it anymore and threw me off and bent me over and took me from behind. It was just one big intense orgasm. I was completely gone, completely somewhere else.

And then he took me softly and layed me down again and kissed me passionately and made love to me slowly and deeply until we both came together insync. It was powerful, intense. Insane.

I cant even write it how it happened it doesnt do it justice.

On days like these

2009-11-07T18:06:00.001-08:00

IT CAME TO AN UGLY HEAD

2009-11-05T19:32:00.000-08:00

So update on the drama from mama
Kevin decided to confront her on it directly, I was wanting to wait and do it over the weekend but once he sets his mind on something it stays there until he takes care of it.
So anyway he told his mother what was going on and she immediately sent me a message about the whole thing on facebook. I didnt respond right away since I was driving to my job in anthem and didnt want the drama of it. I really wanted to have a good day and this was starting off shitty.
I got to Anthem and my client pushed back the cleaning time so here I was in the mall parking lot texting away like a god damn maniac.

I told her exactly how I felt about the whole thing. How I saw no good coming from this psychotic human being having any access to me or wanting to know info on me or even scarier why she would even fucking need to ask a thing about me.

I explained to her how it fucked with my mind knowing all the horrible things the man I loved did to that girl. It affected me. I placed him in that category and it made me sick to think this man who was so loving and sweet to me was also this monster. It made me so disappointed I contemplated leaving, figured it would be easier to end it now as to not get any more emotionally attached to him. But I realized its really too late for that. I am already so utterly head over heels for him its too late. I am his, 100 percent interlinked.

And so I am so happy that his mother came around and instead of bashing my issues she actually understood them and apologized. I felt for once like I had truly stood up for myself. I very seldom go for it, take the plunge into self condfidence in defense of myself, and for once I did it and I was respected for it.

It feels good to be taken seriously.

DRAMA BREWING IN THE JANEL FRONT

2009-11-02T09:42:00.000-08:00

If a man warns me about his mom I think from now on I will take it at face value instead of thinking they are exaggerating.

So I knew that his mother still talked to his ex but I didnt let it bother me because all I is know that sometimes things happen and regardless of the relationship ...well you know. And I still am cordial to all of my ex's mothers and some still send me xmas cards, or email me during ramadan. Anyway my point is if its out of sight out of mind I dont care, I just dont want to be expected to befriend her, or take her up on some lunch offer ya know?

Well Ive been through alot this year and his mother seemed so interested in finding out the details and so I told her and appreciated her attempt at bonding. AND then I noticed the ex on her facebook and the awkwardness of the wall post that was left on her page for the world to see, it was too coincidental almost heart stabbing to know that she now knew all my details, my failures and althought I loved seeing her fat ass feeling so threatened by my hot blonde little ass that she would make such an effort to create some type of drama... :)

Anyway I let it slide until his mother started telling me all the details of their relationship and how she thought she was the one for him until he hit her and stole her truck and ruined her credit and cheated on her and kicked her out of his house and blah blah blah blah. OKAY lady I dont care about what happened between them has absolutely nothing to do with me. Its disappointing that the ex from 3 years ago is still concerned with your son and checking up on him through myspace and wondering about me and trying to find out shit about me. Its freaky, psychotic and weird. I think the girl has a screw loose, its like lady its been 3 years, he doesnt want you, move your ass on. You look retarded, move along.

Not to mention she is with someone else now too!!! Its like Im so sure your current man would like to know exactly what your doing talking all the time to your exs mother about your ex and his new girl. WHO THE FUCK CARES.

I find it utterly pathetic that she accused him of all these horrible things and yet she is still craving him, wanting him back. If someone was so horrible why would she want them back.

Me, I would rather die then even consider ever going back to Nima. I am glad he found someone, let him get her knocked up and ruin her credit up, frankly I had enough. All he did was leave me a whole lot of head ache.

Okay Im gonna go now'

got shit to do

I will Posess Your heart DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

2009-10-27T12:30:00.001-07:00

How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x2)There are days when outside your window, I see my reflection as I slowly pass
And I long for this mirrored perspective, when we'll be lovers, lovers at last
You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart(x2)

I will possess your heart (x2)

You reject my advances and desperate plea
I won't let you, let me down so easily, so easily

You gotta spend some time--love, you gotta spend some time with me
And I know that you'll find--love, I will possess your heart (x3)

I will possess your heart (x2)

Whose using who you cant be a pimp and a prostitute too!!!!

2009-10-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

SO here I am again writing in my normal blog, I made 3 one for the demons, one for the smiles and one for the everyday reality, the one that I get to just talk about whatever the hell I want to talk about.

So things with the business have been picking up which is bringing my stress level WAYYYY down. I just landed 2 new accounts which hopefully end up being worth my time and my sweat and strain on the wallet since day care lol.

I desperately need to dye my roots but just dont really feel like it. Today is one of those days where I just want to clean, clean, clean, have sex, eat then clean some more. Jasmyn is doing good for a change she likes to dance with me while we clean to loud music, its a great stress reliever!!!

TMI TUESDAY

2009-10-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday (10-20-09)

posted by: Vixen

1. Which ONE do you wish you had more of in bed… romance, experimentation or foreplay?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I like to give foreplay rather then receive it, but I like to give it and then become even more submissive....so I guess experimentation/foreplay and a bit of romance tied into one

2. What is your worst habit?

I procrastinate

3. Do you take compliments well?
No, usually I think a compliment is a motive

4. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
FUTURE< I need to be more present

5. Do you feel everyone has a soulmate?
Yes, but I believe more then one and not just of the opposite sex. I have several soulmates. One is my cousin, one is my best friend who I have known since I was 2 and one is the current man I am dating. Kindred spirits.

Bonus (as in optional): “Where Would You Wish To Wake Up?”
PENTHOUSE< TRUMP TOWERS---overlooking Chicago river with Kevin laying naked next to me and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa nice breakfast that consists of chocolate delicacies

******

HappyTMI!!!

(vi.sualize.us)

~ xo

TMI Thursday lol

2009-10-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday #206

1. Have you used put anything edible on (or in) your partner's body and then eaten it?

Yes! I love whipped cream, strawberries and or chocolate :)

2. Have you ever had an AIDS test due to reasonable suspicion or hyperactive imagination?

Yes, and the latter. I have freaked myself out on several different occasions.

3. Have you ever fantasized about someone else other than your partner while you were engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation?

No.

4. Have you ever engaged in sex, oral sex, or mutual masturbation while in a moving car?

Yes

5. Have you ever had sex so many times or for so long that one or both people involved runs dry?
YES!~ lol

Bonus (as in optional): Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom?

Besides a mess?

Marilyn Monroe Pictures
Playboy collection book
A tore up bed

...damn Im boring

Happy TMI!!

p.s. I need some questions again. Don't have a a full set? Individual questions are fine. It isn't pressing, yet. Please, send me your ideas/questions! EMAIL me at prince[dot]hapnik[at]gmail[dot]com!.

9.22.2009

TMI Tuesday #205

1. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Which one will it be?

Britney Spears!

2. You seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. Holy crap, a hundred bucks! How are you gonna spend it?

I would love to run right to Coach and use it towards buying a new wallet....but I should probably spend it on advertising lol

3. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anytime in the PAST. What time are you traveling to and what are you going to do when you get there?

I would go back and time and NOT date Nima

4. What is your favorite curse word? God Damn It

5. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Keanu Reeves, Billy Joel from Greenday

Bonus (as in optional):You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What's it gonna be?

Breathing under water!!!

9.14.2009

TMI Tuesday #204

1. Have you ever shared sleeping accommodations with someone of the without anything steamy happening? (Opposite sex for breeders, same sex for homosexuals).
No, thats bad isnt it>>>>

2. Have you eve streaked, flashed, or otherwise partially or totally exposed yourself in public before (or after) an informal, unofficial gathering of people?

Ive taken photos naked for an ad before in chicago, tasteful shots but there were alot of people in the studio

3. Have you had dates with multiple people in the same weekend (or consecutive nights or the same night) while not all of your dates were aware of your actions?

Yes, I went alittle nuts after Nima

4. What is the most "romantic" you have ever gotten in a movie theater?

Oral sex

5. Have you ever had sex when you knew a non-participating adult was watching?

Yes, when I was more crazy we went to a sex club and had sex in a room with mirrors and people could look through

Bonus (as in optional): If you could say anything you wanted anonymously to anyone, without identifying that person, what would you say?

Why are you still alive?

9.07.2009

TMI Tuesday #203

1) If you were to only live until the age of 50, how would you live your life differently?

I hope I only live to 45 so I wont be old lol

2) Are you settling in your job/career?

I never settle, I just re-invent

3) Are you settling with your significant other?

No, first time I havent settled

4) How important is your family?

immediate family is my life

5) If you caught a neighbor peeping in at you while you were naked or having sex, would you close the blinds? (assuming you live in a city and can see into other buildings).

AHHH this has happened to me in Chicago I was changing clothes and I felt someone looking at me and low and behold a construction worked was watching me change through the window downtown loop chicago...

Oh do you hate her because shes peices of you

2009-10-14T16:24:00.001-07:00

So today I am writing alot, not quite sure why been an emotional week I guess...

Im probably going alittle nuts being stuck at home for the last couple of days from being sick, taking care of my sick kid and then having a client cancel today due to finding someone willing to do the job WAAAYYY below what I need to charge just to make a small profit. DAY care is killing me, I know its whats best for my little girl but its a hard hit when your self-employed and daily pay gets a bite taken out of it. :( Oh well a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

Im alittle bit relieved after seeing something today its so dumb and shallow I cant even mention it completely without feeling a bit like a mean heartless person-- but lets just say MONET!!!! Like totally great looking from far away but up close DAMN Girl! My face is way more symmetrical and must say I feel alot more secure with myself. AND not too mention the teeth....God Im such a bitch but monet.....

Looks like we both are better off :)

The Dance of Emotions

2009-10-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

Im trying to stay calm, to let this fear fall away but it seems to peak around the corner like a calling card to my destiny.

The struggle of being here inside my mind is like a tornado of thoughts that seem to never end. The constant pull from one thought to another is like being in a tug o war.

The positive thoughts lighten up the mood and then like a stampeded the negativitely seeps in to destroy any light that might still be around.

The reality of the situation is so hard to handle to comprehend that I pretend its not real, its all fake, like a fog...

I cant understand why Nima has nothing to do with Jasmyn, why he hasnt even tried to reach out to her, why his only attempts have been to harm me, her mother.

He has taken my home, my car, my credit, my identity, my security, my soul. He killed me somewhere in Anthem when he spit in my face and threw me around. It was like a demon posessed his hands, it wasnt Nima, not the man I had kissed under the chicago night sky, not the man who had held my hand during my labor pains....

This man was evil, a demon sent to destruct me, to break me down....

And in his words he wanted me to suffer to become so desperate that I would come crawling back to him, lay at his feet like a dog begging for him to take me back, to beg him for forgiveness for my crimes in his muslim world....

BUT he didnt realize he didnt destroy my spirit....if anything he set it free. My roaring heart like a tiger struck back and I am surviving this trauma, I am surviving this year, my daughter is alive, she is loved and I am alive and I am loved.

He didnt expect for me to be this strong and he didnt expect for me to find a REAL man to Love me, to hold me to hold Jasmyn, to become her father. A real man who could have ran the other way, who has stayed and held me on those nights where I just wanted to give up. A man who made me open my eyes to who I really am, a man who calls me his wife and who has no idea how much that makes my heart smile.

The Tension is Getting harder, I want to hold her head under water...oohhhoh

2009-10-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

What is it with tension that seems to cause distance between 2 loving hearts when all each person wants to do is hold the other person, to open each heart and lay there completely vulnerable and warm...

Instead we pull away scared to admit defeat to the other, scared to admit they have this much control over our hearts, over our days, our lives. That just the way they look at you affects you so. The touch of their hand means more then any other touch of a hand and all you want to do is be held in their arms.

The depth is overwhelming like a sea of dark waters that seems to get deeper and darker and more vast as the days and nights pass. The tension consuming every cell and making it harder to get back to once was the security of love...

And then like magic it starts with a kiss, a small gesture of apologetic touch and suddenly your flooded with a passion that burns like fire and you are engulfed in it utterly and completely lost in the moment and again the 2 bodies, the 2 souls are one again, insync and smiling and ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

If we could only open our mouths and admit what is really hurting we would be so much better off. If we stopped saying hurtful things to others because were hurting we would be so much better off. We just dont want to admit that we are affected so by the words and actions of the ones we love. We want to pretend, ecspecially men, that we are macho, we are MAN hear us roar, we have no tears, we are as bricks are, untameable, unvulnerable, strong....emotionless

Dear Kevin

2009-10-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I know you regret the mean things you say when youve had a bad day and theres nothing better you'd like to do then not have to deal with Jasmyn's screaming or me worrying about that.

I know you'd could give up at any second, go on your way, forget all about me, about her go back to being a party boy a binge drinker who was the player, the wrestler the always on the go...

And I am thankful you found me when you did because I was lost. My marriage left me in a haze, a fog, I no longer knew myself. I no longer knew Jasmyn. Life was empty, I just lived for attention, male attention, and for false money, dirty money and false hope. I lived the fast track the one way road to nowhere and you were on that same road before me.....somewhere between no where and there we found eachother like to lost souls being forced together by a source greater then we understand.

And even still I always feel when Im in your arms, that I have known you for always. That your just my comfort, my heart has loved you before, my body has felt your body before, in another time a far off place we were together before just as we are now. Our connection is strong, I hope un breakable by the hardness and desperation of life.

But I want you to know that you are free, I love you free, untied, un conditionally. Never feel chained, or as if you must promise me yourself everyday. For we are always changing and a promise can turn into a resentment and I have no need for that now. LOVE Me now and unconditonally and lets see where that takes us. Of course I hope that we are together for always and if we can work at this everyday we will, but I want you to always want to love me, and to know that your free with me. I want only for you to be happy and can hope that I make you happy.

When you hold me and tell me that you never want to lose me, that I am your life, your love. I feel it deeply in the very cells of my core, the absolute of my being. I have never loved before as I love you. Anything before you was a cross between adolescent lust and fear. You have opened my heart, my heart that I once thought was suppposed to be locked up and beat down. You have awakened my soul. You let me be me and thats all I know now that Ive wanted.

I flourish in your presence like a flower budding to the sun. My daughter lights up in a smile, (even in her fits) she loves you more then she has loved her father. And some where between this sexy man and this caring heart you are everything I need everything I want all in one.

Lift your insecurities about my heart. It is yours, yours alone. Lift your insecurities about my lust for sex, ,my body is yours, yours alone, and my lust is for your body. Im sorry I have wandering eyes or make dumb comments sometimes, its a part of me that is based out of fear. I want to show I am not as crazy about you as I really am. Distancing myself is my way of protecting these new feelings of love and vulnerability that I feel.

Know this that I love you

Thanks Vixen :)

I hate the distance between us. I hate clinging to a phone. I hate that I can't feel you body wrapped around mine. See the morning sun in your eyes. I hate that right now I can't even fall asleep to the tapping of your keystrokes as they record the lyrics of your heart.

But I love you.

I love your dream.
I love that you are getting to live it.
I love that we share one heart...one breath...one life.

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain
If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now
Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy
Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

in the mood to write

2009-10-10T17:11:00.000-07:00

Its one of those days thoughts flood my mind like a train going a million miles a minute the stresses the joys the excitement of life is railroading at once into a stream of emotions that must be let out.

Kevin seems to not understand this is my way to cope with life. If I don't have an audience (attention) or a venue (blog) to write shit down then I go nuts. I need these moments to myself to be present in my life and to just breathe to release it all on virtual :) paper

release the inner demons

2009-10-10T16:37:00.000-07:00

And suddenly I find myself letting go of our friendship, the attachment of you is gone, your nothing but a steroid abuser and you made me not care about others because you taught me

Im doing better

2009-09-19T19:48:00.000-07:00

Who would have thought that I would be able to get past all the drama of my previous relationship/ Im not sure what it is or how Im getting through all of this but whatever it is keep it coming.

Im not sure if positive thinking is key here as I have basically changed my viewpoint of the world. Its no longer dark and miserable. Im sure being in a new relationship that is loving is contributing to that and also having a business thats brand new starting to pick up and generate enough revenue that I might actually be able to save for that new pair of jimmy choos Ive had my eye on.

Jasmyn is doing better as well. She goes to counseling now once a week. Her speech has also improved. Not only in english but shes stepped out from falling back into farsi, or what I call farsish lol.

Its hard because she looks soooooooo much like Nima and I wish she looked more like me. But what can you do?

Am I ready to take that step?

2009-09-18T20:25:00.000-07:00

And so I find myself day dreaming of you
Your scent caresses my senses gently as I recall your touch

And in my emotionalness I feel so open, so ready for you to take me, my heart. To encompass my body my soul to cross over to that place where we are together as one connected until no longer there are lines, no curves just meshing of two bodies, two souls completely and utterly unified into one human being, one energy force that when combined is unstoppable.

Ugh I am so utterly taken by this man I can't stand it but at the same time I love it. I want it to just give myself to him completely and wholeheartedly. My submissive inner being wants to be under his guidance his soft but strong hands...I can't explain it a part of me loves how he wants me the other is sOooo scared. I want to always have him want me but I know that's unrealisitic. I want him always to want to hold me but I know that's impossible.

What has this man done to me? What has he done to my heart?

The Best O ever

2009-09-14T13:13:00.000-07:00

I had to write about this because it was the best experience ever. I have a love for sex its like an addiction, I cant explain it. My marriage always left me feeling unsatisfied and wanting more, and I realized now what it was missing Love...the very thing that it started with. And I found myself always needing sex, it put a strain on our relationship and even relationships after my marriage. I would associate sex with being wanted, and if they didnt want sex when I wanted it well I figured it was because there was something wrong with me.

BUT what I was missing was LOVE...Stupid yes I know. Its something I guess I never thought was possible. BUT I am so very much in love and so free and open to this love that the sex is unbelievable, its predictable, tame, slow and FANTASTIC. No bondage, no crazy creams or porn, just me, him and the slow movement and beating of our hearts.

He takes his time, he holds my hands, kisses me neck, my cheek, my lips. He holds me so close and makes me feel whole, filled to my core with pure undenying emotion and I have orgasmed everytime even with him on top which used to take work on my end. And its a continuous, amazing experience until he orgasms which like clockwork we are insync and orgasm at the same time which is incredible in its own right. Its something I fantasize about, but only with him, its amazing I dont even need to watch porn anymore, or fantasize about Keanu Reeves...its like what I want I already have and its enough to make my heart beat fast and make me melt all over the place...lol

Afterwards I feel so satisfied, so filled up, unhungry and warm, loved, just happy...I love how he holds me afterwards and caresses my back. Its like what was I missing all those years---?? Oh yeah LOVE!!!!

I love you Kevin!

Yay Something Good

2009-09-14T12:56:00.000-07:00

So yay Ive finally broken that last straw of depression and I am on my way. Funny how once I just decided to stop waiting for other people to appreciate me and be happy for me, and I decided to just be happy and proud in myself things started to change. Now I am filling my schedule with housecleanings, Im helping another single mom have some steady income, and my daughter is PROGRESSING. Yes therapy is key in this but hey whatever, Im not ashamed to admit it. But I feel so much better, I look better, my business is better. It just so happens even my love life is better.

Who would have thought that there was life after divorce? And at 23 years old maybe even a better one then when I was married.

I have failed as a mother

2009-08-13T21:35:00.000-07:00

My 3 year old is paying for my vanity, for my greed. I should have left Nima right away when I noticed a problem. But instead I stayed. Mainly because I was addicted to the money to the worry free financial freedom that I so desperately wanted as a kid but never had. I put up with his lies, with his anger, with his fists just so I could have that coach bag.

The ugliness of everything is pounding my mind, my heart. Here is this human being I created who is so angry with the world she wont even listen to her own mother for one moment. She has resorted back to being a baby, a one year old.

Before my divorce she was different. She was happy, she was progressing, she was changing....Now she refuses to even sit on the toilet for potty training, she throws a tantrum if she doesnt get her way, she refuses to use solid words. Instead she points, or makes noises. The words are there but she doesnt use them.

The strain of no money and the constant realization of my mistakes makes me feel even worse. He left me with nothing. Absolutely nothing not a fucking penny. Im left picking up the peices with his seed, wondering why I stayed as long as I did. I wish I would have been smarter about things. I wish I would have saved money, I wish I wouldnt have sold my truck. I wish I would have kept living in my house, I wish I would have gotten room mates so I could have figured a way to make the mortgage.

I am a fucking failure at this point.

Re-enter Marine

2009-05-15T07:50:00.000-07:00

SO while I am waiting for dear Nick to come to me on Mother's day I have the sudden flood of emotion. Staring out to michigan avenue below me and at the people hustling by and the sky-scrapers and the energy I cry. I havent cried for Nima, Tj or even for my Grandma. I have kept all the emotion in as a way to continue to be scatterred brain, a partier and all over the place as my mother would put it. I go and sit down and cling to my pillow as the tears fall. And in my emotional state I call my one and dear friend Francisco who immediately pulls me out of my misery.

And then I get this idea after he and I hang up to write an email to Tj thanking him for giving me the courage to leave Nima. If it wouldnt have been for him I wouldnt even have considered the idea. I was too scared, too vulnerable too weak. And I did this not even realizing the consequences of my actions. I didnt even think he would respond. BUT he did respond. And it wasnt what I expected. For some reason we are drawn to eachother regardless of being in a relationship or not. I dont know if its because we both understand eachother's fucked up ways of thinking, how easy it is for us to use others and perhaps even use eachother at times. I feel terribly guilty because here I am in Chicago, waiting for one man, while my heart is racing towards another. My tears continue to fall...........

I call my mother and vent. I talk to my father who already thinks I am nuts and tries to talk me out of moving to Chicago. Then I am flooded with thoughts on what is best for Jasmyn.........I look outside again at michigan avenue and I feel at peace, at home.

Nick comes and immediately my thoughts pause. We enjoy eachother's company and then he is gone again as I re-establish those thoughts. And then my Uncle Methagh comes for me and we walk around downtown for who knows how long discussing the shit with Nima and how I am going to make this move permanent and blah blah blah. We go for coffee and he leaves me to myself as I continue to walk around. My feet hurt and I dont care because it keeps my emotional [pain at bay...................

UGH

2009-05-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Okay so funny how you wake up one day realize your going to move to chicago, you wrestle with the financial ends of things because your almost broke. You figure you have nothing left to lose because your ex basically helped you out with losing everything........Your about ready to pull the trigger on the revolver and blast that cunts head off ( you know the one--the one that likes to keep kicking you when your down and loving the fact that your struggling)

2009-05-05T08:08:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday #185

1. Have you ever bought a membership to a porn site? If yes, what is the most recent one and did you like it?

Yes, and yes and its a lipstick lesbian site. For some reason I can only get off to lesbians going at it. Throw a dick in the mix and I cant help but laugh.......

2. Would you rather watch a erotic/porn movie, read a story, or listen to an audio? Why?

I would rather watch it. Reading is fun sometimes but it doesnt get the full effect. Audio doesnt do anything for me either.

3. If you have a significant other what do you do for each other to get in the mood? If you don't what would you kind of thing could a future potential long term partner do to get you in the mood?

I am always ready so I guess theres no answer to this one? LOL

4. When it comes to sex, how much do you talk about it with others? How comfortable are you talking about sex?

I think when it comes to sex I talk too much about it. People unfortunately like to say nasty things about women who like sex. OH well I will keep on talking and fucking and they can keep on talking and NOT FUCKING lol

5. What are the last 5 things you search for on Google (or another search engine)?
1. cnew cache designs
2. lyrics
3. dr. reys shapewear
4. sally beauty supply
5. lesbian sex

Bonus: Have you ever had a fantasy that you were ashamed of?
No

TMI FRIDAY done on Saturday!

2009-05-02T09:10:00.000-07:00

TMI Tuesday #182 - Dance Edition

1. If you could describe your personality through a dance what would it be?

The song the man who cant be moved is my song at the moment along with Gives you hell by AAR sooooooo I guess soft rock is my personality........

2. What about describing your sex life through a type of dance?
closer is my sex song so it would have to be heavy rock dance---------

3. What's one move on the dance floor sure to turn you on?
I like when the person I'm dancing with gets right behind me, and my ass fits in just perfectly and I can feel their breath on my neck. (I stole this because it was just too hot)

4. Is there a dancer you would love to be with?
Shakira!!!!! OMG that woman knows how to shake those hips :)

5. What moves do you pull out to impress someone new?
I love to dance and dont care about impressing but I know how to shake my hips to catch someones attention :)

Hyperventilating

2009-04-30T19:24:00.000-07:00

Okay I just looked at pics of my old house and my heart started pounding with sadness. It was my dream home dripping with marble, granite and I lost it..........through the uglyiness of my seperation and Islamic divorce I lost my home..................I seriously miss it. I wish I never let him stay there. I wish I would have kicked him out........but perhaps its for the best....credit can be repaired..........an abusive man can not............and if he knew where I lived.........WELLLLLLLLLLLLLL

The new me more platinum then ever

2009-04-30T10:42:00.001-07:00

Oppurtunity of a lifetime......

2009-04-30T10:34:00.000-07:00

Long time no blog:

In january my ex and I called it quits. We had promised to be civil but that can only last so long I guess when they arent okay with you moving on with your life. I guess it didnt help that the newbie was fucking hot and ripped with muscles. SO anyway I had thought by giving him the house and the truck (both in my name) and me taking Jasmyn, my car and the couch all would be fine. Well he stopped paying on the house, its in default, I had to go un-inpound my truck because he drove on a suspended license and NOW my car is in danger of being repossed because he drained my accounts without my knowledge and the bank kept allowing overdrafts to the big ole sum of $750!!!

AND surprisingly I am doing okay. I am surviving, things are happening! For example I had a free round trip ticket to anywhere and it just turns out theres this great career op in Chicago that I am flying to go interview for free. If I get this position my whole life will change 100% for the better. NOW if I was still with the 0 then I would be at home, in prison, confined to an Islamic tunnel vision, eating chocolate and pulling my hair out from boredom.........

Is life hard at the moment HELL YES but is it surprisingly fun, delicious and new? I am meeting like minded people, I am healthier, I am happier..........and completely starting over. I almost feel reborn.

I have been poor, rich and now I am back to poor yet on my way to being more abundant financially and emotionally then ever before and I am only 22............

Life suddenly doesnt seem so grim or evil or draining even if I am a bit jaded about love at the moment

New Year New beginnings

2009-01-05T13:24:00.000-08:00

Life is like a box of chocolate you never know what your gonna get...........

My blog!!!

2008-12-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

Omg I have missed my blog. I have been sicker then a dog, and of course busy busy busy and I just now got a chance to check in on all my blogging buddies to let you know I have not fallen off the face of the earth.

The emerging of my true self......

2008-11-26T14:17:00.000-08:00

SO wow things have been insane. I finally finished reading the last book in the Conversations with God trilogy and I must say that my life has changed. I finally can stop feeling bad about myself or quilty or less then. I have remembered why the hell I am on this earth in the first place and I have also remembered that my destiney is not up to anyone else but myself. I am creating my own reality and can choose for it to be wonderful or dreadful. After all its all about attitude...

Work has been draining me a bit. Since its the holidays everyone wants their rugs back all at once and its hard running two businesses and caring for a two year old and trying to handle a person who is struggling internally............But I must say that things are looking up. I feel good which is shocking since normally if work was draining I would be depressed and reach for the chocolate and call it a night.

I have made a new friend which has been wonderful. It was completely unexpected and yet it was like when I finally allowed people into my life I made a friend..........I had closed myself off for so long I forgot what it meant to genuinely let someone new into my life. And its been nice to just have fun with someone without having to throw all my baggage out there. Just some light hearted fun. I had forgotten how much fun life could be........

Saturday survey done on Wednesday

2008-11-26T14:03:00.000-08:00

Do you remember your first favorite song? If so, what was it?

My first favorite song that acutally sticks with me is "Jagged Little Pill." By AlanisMorisette. My mom took me to the concert and I freakin loved it.

What do you refuse to eat?

Liver of any kind, cute furry animals like rabbits.

Have you ever injected any kind of drug before?
Hell No--I hate needles
Do amusement park rides make you sick?
No, but the last roller coaster I went on gave me whiplash and my neck hurt for days

Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Luke Sky walker of course :)

What kind of cheese do you put on your sandwiches?
I love Provolone.

What was the first thing you ever learned how to cook?
Salsa

Did you ever collect beanie babies?
Yes and I still do for my daughter ; )

When was the last time you got a haircut?
3 weeks ago
Have you ever been to a bachelor/bachelorette party?
No

Where are you most ticklish on your body?
Anywhere I am the most ticklish person ever
Have you ever bailed anyone out of jail?
No
What's the last board game you played?
CandyLand

Do you still own any VHS tapes?
No
Do you shop at JC Penny's ever?
No

If there was a real Jurassic Park, would you visit it?
Maybe

Do you ever read the newspaper?
No, Boring---Anthem is just one of those places where nothing happens

Do you eat your mac & cheese with a fork or a spoon?
I dont like mac and cheese
Is there any medicine/pill you take everyday?
Just vitamins
How many 20 dollar bills do you have on you right now?
0 I only use plastic

Would you do meth if it was legalized?
No thank you

Are you afraid others will judge you from reading some of your answers to survey questions?
No

Have you ever made out with someone and then never saw them again?
Yes. :)

Do you drink egg nog?
No, yuck! I like to spice things up and make mojitos instead.

What are you wearing?
Fuschia Pink tank top and cozy sweater peejay pants because its rainy and a bit chilly....

The world is a vampire

2008-11-19T19:15:00.000-08:00

THIS SONG just sums up how I have been feeling lately. I love it. As I post this I have the song turned up really loud and I am singing at the top of my lungs. I love doing that and letting all my emotions out. Just like going on a great run, or finishing a kick ass workout while singing your favorite song.

the world is a vampire, sent to drain
secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames
and what do i get, for my pain
betrayed desires, and a piece of the game
even though i know-i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
now i'm naked, nothing but an animal
but can you fake it, for just one more show
and what do you want, i want to change
and what have you got
when you feel the same
even though i know-i suppose i'll show
all my cool and cold-like old job
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
then someone will say what is lost can never be saved
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
tell me i'm the only one
tell me there's no other one
jesus was an only son
tell me i'm the chosen one
jesus was an only son for you
despite all my rage i am still just a rat in a cage
and i still believe that i cannot be saved

Its been forever

2008-11-18T09:07:00.000-08:00

I have been super busy trying to sort things out in my life that I have neglected the one place where I can let it all out without fear of being judged.

Before I get into it all I will just do something fun: TMI Tuesday

I don't know how "TMI" this weeks questions are, but anyway, here we go....

1. When did you last use your cellular telephone as a flashlight?
saturday trying to find the key hole to my door

2. On a scale from 1-10, how comfy are you being naked?
Pretty comfy maybe a 5 or 6

3. What is the longest you've ever been celibate after having lost your virginity?
Maybe a month or two

4. Have you ever had sex in a car? If yes, since you were a teenager?
Yes but only once--we have a two year old now so there really is now way

5. When did you last use food or drink as medication?
Does chocolate count???

Bonus: Name three words that:
a) get you excited
"Your so beautiful."

b) make you squirm

"Where were you?"

c) make you laugh
IDK sad huh????

So anyways I have been hitting it head to head with my guy lately. He has some major issues that he is just not willing to get help on. In a frusterated desperate attempt for venting I searched and found someone willing to listen and who is in the same situation I am in. I feel quilty for the fact that I even need to find some type of emotional comfort in someone else. But I cant force someone to get help and I cant continue to carry it all on my shoulders.

My guy is an Iraqi war veteran and suffers from bouts of PTSD. He uses weed as a way to medicate but it has taken over literally. Just recently he got very aggressive with me and I was fearful in my own home. I spoke to my mom about it who in turn had her boyfriend talk to my guy about it. This isnt the first time he has gotten aggressive or threatening, but this is the first time I have told someone who could help. He needs to get help. He cant sleep sometimes, he cant function normally in public. He goes from 0 to 100 in a second. I understand it and I feel for him because I love him but its like come on we need to fix this before it gets worse.

So anyway my mom's boyfriend has been a good support for him. He told my guy to call him whenever he needs to talk, even if its just 3am. He told my guy that I cant be the one to do everything alone that I need him to seek help for this.

So anyway I am wondering what to do. If I should create an ultimatum. Now that I found a friend to confide in perhaps it could make things better. But I dont want it to turn into some type of emotional affair. Or even allow it to get physical.....

I never even thought that I was the type of person who would ever even need to seek attention elsewhere. Its a wake up call to the fact that things need to change. Things are not all bad, but there are days when I find myself asking whats it all for???

Our Love is something unconditional but its becoming draining and toxic to my health and I dont even want to imagine what that means for my daughters emotional state.

Stuff

2008-11-07T20:26:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I took my sister out for guacomole and tamales and also shopping at Victoria's Secret. She is about to be 14 and starting to become a woman. Anyway well yesterday evening I took her home and walked into a bunch of shit. I wanted to take her back home with me...

My mom is freaking out and she looks like she is about to have a nervous breakdown. We all had plans to get together this weekend but my mom's boyfriend tells me that they have to cancel because they have no money. I was confused because my guy had told them that it would be out treat. All they would have to do is bring their bodies....

Then came the ranting and raving and complaining about how my grandma who lives in a 2 bedroom trailor couldnt pay her rent last month even though she has enough money each month and how now my mom cant pay her rent because they had to bail my Grandma out. The problem is my grandma has a known gambling problem. She grew up in Chicago in a middle class family, then when her mother died she married a peice of shit who basically ran her into a trailor whom abused my mom sexually and emotionally. Anyway my Grandma spends her money at the casino and expects everyone to bail her out every time--this isnt new---it happens all the time. This has been going on since I can remember and basically I told my mom she needs to not bail my Grandma out next time. My Grandma doesnt change because everytime she blows her money at the casino someone is there to bail her out. She doesnt care if it causes the person who bailed her out problems. She is an addict, an alchoholic and shouldnt be in charge of her own finances. Finally my mom got my point of my mom needs to be in charge of paying the rent and giving my Grandma a weekly budget. What makes matters worse is my Grandma is behind on all the bills---Its a bad situation.

It puts me in a really awkward position because here my mom and Grandma are struggling but I am going on vacations. We all choose our realities though and if my mom actually saved her money instead of spending it on beer and cigarettes she would be able to live a normal life. Her boyfriend and herself make enough money each month to live comfortably and to save some but instead they spend it as fast as it comes in.

My mom told me as I was leaving that she might need to ask me for money. I dont want to give her any. Call me a selfish person but I feel like if you give a mouse a cookie they will ask for a glass of milk. I have my own expenses every month and I dont want the responsibility of having to support them and their habits. If I give in and give them money it puts me and my guy in a weird position because here he is working his ass off, saving his money, supporting us, giving us a beautiful home and my daughter and myself a great life. Is it fair for him to then have to work even more to support my mom and grandma's mistakes?????

I dont mind taking in my sister and being completey in charge of her financially. My guy already offered our guest house to her. I wouldnt ask my mom for a dime and would let my sister go back to my mom whenever she wanted.My sister would have her own key, space, privacy, bathroom, room. My sister told me in confidence that she feels that scenario might happen sooner then later. I told her that next summer when we go back to Chicago she is welcome to come along. I think it would be good for her to see more places that she could ultimately go.

My sister does wonderfully in school and I keep telling her education is the key. That doors will open for her because of where she lives. She is not the norm in that neighborhood. She stands out. I keep telling her that no matter what she does in life I will always support her, that she needs to pick a career that will make her happy and not worry about whether it will make mom happy. If my sis decideds to move across the country to pursue her dream I will support her 100%. Shes like my daughter, I would do the same for her. When my daughter gets older I will tell her the same thing. To live her passion. Life is too short to work nine to five, day in day out without passion.

2008-11-04T09:57:00.000-08:00

TMI Tuesday #159

1. Have you ever had a moving violation? An auto accident? That was your fault?
Not one that was my fault thank God. And I do speed way more then I should but usually I get out of a ticket. (funny vixen kitten I was in a mercedes too when I got hit)

It was annoying because I had just bought my car I still had the temp tags on it and was actually on my way to the bank to deposit my fat check that I had just received from closing a loan. (back when I was a loan officer) anyway the girl came out of no where and hit my new mercedes with such force that I was completely spun around onto on coming traffic. God was with me that day and I was unharmed. My car was totaled on one side though and her insurance paid for all the repairs. It took almost 4 months for my car to come back to me.

2. Have you ever voted? How old was your were you the first time you voted?
Yes! I voted for the first time today actually. I felt empowered.

3. Are you glad this election cycle is over?
Yes! Too much negativity being slung around.

4. Do you have guilty pleasure? What is it (or are they)?
Yes, I do. I like to shop, mostly for things that involve beauty or hand bags. I am addicted to coach and juicy couture and of course getting my nails done. I do my own hair so I think it outweighs the cost. :) My coach addiction is so bad that the coach store I go to in Chicago remembers me and my guy by name. We always use the same sales lady and she knows that we are gonna spend money. Plus I love how she always tells us how beautiful we are together. It makes it easier to whip out the plastic. LOL.

5. What is the most embarrassing thing you have done recently?
Today, I didnt fill in the ballot right. Okay I am a dumb blonde at times, but I was distracted trying to hold a two year old while filling it out one handed.....

Bonus: How much impact has the Wall Street and general economic wilt had on you?

We own our own business and it has forced us to cut back on advertising and to really weed out certain neighborhoods to save on gas prices for pick ups and deliveries of rugs. We have very rich clients that still come to us regulary but it sucks that we have had to lose some of the middle americans to make sure we can stay afloat. We have started a small neighborhood business in the country club that offers stone, tile and wall to wall carpet cleaning at a very low cost which has helped bring in extra money during the slow weeks. I am very, very blessed though and we still give to charities on a monthly basis.

Happy Tuesday everyone. Hope your day is full of moments that make you smile.

Stolen Saturday Survey to erase boredom

2008-11-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

SATURDAY SURVEY

If you married the person you last called, what would your last name be?
Doane, and thats just nasty because its my mom YUCK

What did you do Saturday night?
Well tonight I am laying low because last night I was out too late and Tomorrow I am going over to help my Mom at her yard sale

Is eye contact awkward?
NO, its ankward when someone wont look you in the eye its like whats your problem?

Would you be a real life pirate back in the old days if you could?
I would pass on that

Did you have any unread text messages this morning when you woke up?
Yes and they are still un replied, I am lazy today

Do you collect porcelain dolls? Would you ever?
No just too weird for me, I think of Chucky when I think of dolls

Do you enjoy going to Haunted Houses?
Yes as long as its not cheesy

What is one thing you would love to happen today?
To have Ebisu suddenly deliver their splendid sushi and for it to drop to about 50 degrees. Its hot!!!

Do you think you would make a good wife/husband?
I do

Would you ever work as a waitress, bartender or other food service worker?
Yes and I have worked as a waitress when I was in highschool. You do what you have to

What bill do you hate paying?
My car insurance and medical bills. Car isnurance sucks because I feel like they are raping me.

Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
Buffalo chips in Cave Creek town. I love it there, its like this cute little old western town

Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
I have no regrets

What do you really want to be doing right now?
eating sushi

What are you thoughts on gas prices these days?
That we need to start thinking of other ways to sustain ourselves. I live in a small suburb and my bike has been getting alot of use, its great for the earth and my butt

Favorite lunch meat?
Roast beef

Gray's Anatomy or Desperate Housewives?
Desperate Housewives

What famous LIVING actor would you like to have dinner with?
Living??? Hmmm...... Probably Tyra Banks. I just think I would have alot to talk with her about.

What is the last book you read?
The Shack and You Can Heal Your Life

Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
Yesterday---My guy is really putting forth an effort to change things and make them more exciting. Its nice that we both are trying to keep things lively.

What noises do you currently hear?
My guy watching Tv

Do you know anyone who is currently in jail right now?
Yes :(

Do you know someone who cries to get what they want?
My daughter

Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth?
IDK

At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship?

Neither. I am happy with where things are going in both directions.

HAPPY SATURDAY!!!! :)

Vent, Vent, Vent

2008-11-01T18:14:00.000-07:00

Where do I begin? I am a firm beleiver in letting others do what they want. Let all people marry. So when I get home from Chicago there is a big fucking sign saying vote yes on 102 yesformarriage. I am alittle pist that someone planted a sign in my yard without asking first but figured it meant that yes for marriage---that means for all marriage. I was wrong. Its one of those hideous,ugly, hypocritical, negativity baring signs that breed the message that all gay people shouldnt be allowed to marry. So that peice of shit came right down.

Now on to more my fiance is an ex vet in the Iraqi freedom war and smokes pot to outweigh the side effects of the trauma and to lessen the pain he has in his right knee. The VA will just get him hooked on meds so he prefers the al natural product. Well anyway this is strongly looked down upon in my family. And the fact that my guy is Persian doesnt make it any easier. Well anyway I must laugh at the hyprocrits in my Dad's side of the family because they talk so much shit about my and my guy but I just saw a pic of my 17 year old sis who is the "good" child and who has the nerve to talk bad about my guy for smoking pot. Holding a beer, wearing nothing but caution tape wrapped around her body, sitting on a bed with 2 guys. And yes my friends there is smoke in the background and you can tell they are all higher then a kite. I wish I was a bitch and had the nerve to send this myspace url to my Dad to let him know that just because I had a daughter young does not make me a whore, stupid or a loser. And to let him know that I am not the "bad" one, boy oh boy does my sister have the good ole life. When I was visiting in August he let her drink a couple beers right in front of him. Now if I would have done that at her age he would have said it was my loser mom's fault. She is a bad influence, BLAH BLAH BLAH. And my family has the nerve to say they never break the law, that my guy is bad. Well giving a 17 year old beer is breaking the law. And my guy whenever he gets pulled over the cop pulls up his military record and they let him go. Once a Marine always a Marine and cops look at Marines as their Brothers. Trust me, my guy gets away with it every time. He is even friends with some high ranking police men in our town, they are all former Marines and let him fly with a jay. They just look the other way because they feel its a Marines right to do whatever he wants as long as he is not hurting anyone or causing a disturbance. They dont give a fuck what a marine does in the privacy of his own home. Getting shot at gives you that right. Damn it.

And now for another bitch fest. Yesterday was Halloween and I was looking forward to my Mom to come around and show up. Of course she didnt. She missed out on my daughter being dressed up as Tinkerbell looking so cute and seeing her say thank you to everyone that gave her candy. Mind you I just started talking to my mom again this past March after a 4 year hiatis and she has never had a holiday with my daughter yet and she didnt show up. I let it go, but my feelings were hurt. WTFE

And one last thing. I watched the Tyra show yesterday and was enlightened on the practice of vampirism and how missed understood the practice really is. Now I am not about to go see it for myself anytime soon but I do think that people should be more accepting. Just because something isnt right for you doesnt mean its bad or that it isnt okay for someone else to do it. To each it's own as long as no one is getting hurt. And what is up with the psychic vampire thing? I beleive it because I have been around people whos either positive energy is strong or negative energy and I feel exhausted after speaking with me. Its like they zap all the life out of me.

Now onward to Thanksgiving and Christmas.This year I plan to go all out for my family. We arent flying anywhere, just staying home and starting our own traditions. I decided I want to decorate the xmas tree after thanksgiving dinner. It may be alittle early but it could be our thing. And I also think I might want to switch things up a bit and open stockings on xmas eve. Who knows for sure what I will do. But I am excited and looking forward to the holidays and of course starting a new year. WOW!

Home Sweet Home

2008-10-26T20:01:00.000-07:00

I am home and am enjoying the nice weather. It was strange to have sun on my face after having rainy, cloudy days.

I am gearing up for the holidays! And the best part of it all---I actually lost 8 pounds over vacation. I tend to keep it off by joining jazzercise again. I went yesterday and worked out for 90 minutes, my whole body is soar. But its a good soar, the kind where you know you did your body good.

Tough Talks

2008-10-20T17:40:00.000-07:00

Tonight alot of things were said that needed to be said and I feel confident that me and my guy are on the right track. I am finding that we need to communicate more then we were instead of automatically getting offensive and going in for the kill. I think the main reason so many relationships fail is the giving up and loss of desire to communicate because it isnt easy. Having patience when you want to ring the other person's neck is one of the toughest things to do. But surviving that initial urge and then realizing the reality of the situation we can then change the outcome from a negative to a positive. Thinking before speaking is great advice that I never follow, so I have decided to follow it. What we put into the universe comes back to us. If we throw negativity out there it will come back if we stop and think and then say something positive or in a nicer way it changes the energy and creates a different reality. We really can change things before they get to that point. Now if only I had the willpower to do this in regards to my hips and losing wieght. LOL

What would I do?

2008-10-19T12:13:00.001-07:00

Without my blog friends. LOL---Thanks Jesse for speaking your mind. I appreciate it very much. I am in a much better mood today. Thanks Vixen for always being there when I need to vent.

I think its a hard thing coming into any relationship and then to have such different culture backgrounds makes it even tougher. But we have been together for almost 4 years now and we love eachother, so if we can get through teh rough stuff we will be fine. We are both young and still trying to find out who we are exactly. He is 26 and I am 22 so even that age difference has its problems. He has already been out there and done that and I am just beginning that stage. We will get through it. I just notice he acts different when we are around his family. But I act differently around my family too, so I cant fault him for it.

Acceptance is just as important as respect and we are both trying so I guess thats all we can do.

We are all going out tonight so I will post pics when we get home. Thursay its back to Az. Thank God I miss my house.

Random ramblings

2008-10-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Nima stayed out all night with his cousin and ended up not getting home until 12 this afternoon. I have to admit I was a bit steamed. Imagine if it was the other way around? I think when was the last time I even went somewhere for more then an hour without the baby? And when was the last time I stayed the night somewhere without the baby? May God the double standard trinkles over into every aspect of my life lately and I am sick of it. When we are on vacation and staying with my side of the family Nima almost always come along with me, if he doesnt I am usually only gone for about an hour, never over night and its always somewhere girly.

I am not one of those tight wives who have to call their guy every five minutes and so this morning when Nima wasnt home his cousin kept asking if I had called him, No! Frankly I feel like if you drink so much to the point you cant come home and you dont give a damn enough to call your girl and let her know than I dont give a rats ass and I am not gonna waste my minutes to call you. This always gets him in a frenzy because if he does finally decide to call I wont answer. I feel the appropiate time to call is before you go out for drinks. Let your girl know you will be drinking and might crash at your buddies. In this family its okay for the man to do this to the woman---but if the woman were to do it, then well shes a whore.

My Guy's cousin spends her days completely devoted to her family. I mean if they ask for food at 9pm she will whip it up without any complaints. I am amazed at her candid attitude and genuine love for her family. Its just not in me. I was raised in America to have a team instead of a dependence. Sadly my current situation makes me a dependent woman on a man, and it makes me feel suffocated at times because I dont like feeling if he left today I wouldnt be in the same financial life. I would go from upper middle class to poverty like that. Thats what being a house wife and a "partner" in your guys business gets you. You bust your ass for years on end, taking care of the kids while he gets to go on all night ventures, you practically run the business for him on days he just doesnt feel like working and you do it all with painted nails and perfect hair all until he decides your too old, too fat too something and exchanges you for the younger model. Isnt that the american style? The american dream is all male biased.

The life of a woman is hard enough without all these double standards and expectations. Trying to find my way is hard enough without people demanding you act like a stepford wife. Of course I want that perfect family who doesnt? But I am more like my mom then I realize.

My guy may get away with this shit at his families house but when its my house he knows how it goes. When I get back to Az he already knows I am owed an all nighter without the baby. a girls night to celebrate fathers watching daughters for once. I might even let him go out again so I have a double pay back in Az.

American girls can demand more because we know there is more to offer this world for both a man and a woman.

Biosilk

2008-10-16T16:55:00.000-07:00

Wow I must say I have noticed my hair is actually soft, I can run my fingers through it since using biosilk oil and shampoo and conditioner for the past few weeks. I really like it and must recommend it to all you bloggers out there who dye, straighten and blow dry your locks.

I love my blog

2008-10-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

Today I dont have much to write about. I am curious about something though.....Do my blog friends think that after age 35 women should stop shopping at stores like BEBE and wearing mini skirts? This is something I am wondering about.

While I love confident women who maintain their looks after kids and career, I am just wondering when is trying, trying too hard? My guy's cousin looks great hands down but has had 2 kids and isnt 25 anymore. Some things she wears are flattering but most make her look like she is trying to be 15 years younger and I am afraid that many are laughing at her when she thinks they are complimenting her by staring her up and down. She has a small frame but her stomach is rather large, God bless her for being a mother, but when is it time to tone it down and wear more clothing rather then less??? As long as the clothes fit right it doesnt matter, but when they are 3 sizes too small.... I will leave that for your imagination.

She is an attractive woman and I see potential in her wardrobe if she would start dressy classy---rather then showy. I dont know maybe I am just too picky, but I would rather be under dressed then over dressed any day.

I am curious to see what you all have to say.

Back to Iran

2008-10-15T12:36:00.001-07:00

So this morning Housrou left back to Iran and I probably wont see him again for 8 or so years. This was the first time he saw his son Safar in almost 30 years so it made for an interesting reunion.

Tomorrow we are going apartment shopping and will hopefully find something cheap that we can keep while still handling our stuff in Scottsdale. I am hoping that by this time next year I can be in Chicago almost full time running the business and doing hair. I found this gorgeous place off of fullerton and Clark st which is close to where my grandma used to live and also where my Grandpa was when Al Capone had that garage. My Grandma says my Great Grandpa would drive Al around town and was close to him, but he was a "mechanic" and worked at Al's "garage". So it would be kind of cool to live someone so close to where my Great Grandpa worked. Plus the Lincoln Park zoo and downtown is within walking distance and is great for me to take little Jas out in. So I am crossing my fingers everything works out and I can grab the one I want.

I am also starting a new project, Jesse (Noe) inspired me to do a Marilyn Monroe watercolor so I will work on that and post it when I am finished.

It is raining like crazy here and I am going crazy from being cooped up inside. Next thursday its back to Az and then on the 27th I am going to the Doc with my mom. I am praying its just a cyst and that she will be okay.

Weirdness Wednesdays

2008-10-15T12:18:00.000-07:00

I am bored and decided to play:

WW #25

1. If you could only eat one fruit for an entire year and that fruit would magically be in season and ripe that full year, which fruit would you choose and why?
Pomegranates hands down. And we only get them in the fall in Az and IL.

2. What is something that makes you sad?
Seeing Jasmyn cry, people who are homeless, too many things to mention. I try not to think about sad things.

3. What would you do if you came home from an extended vacation and found that someone else was living in your house?

Have Nima kick them out the house.

4. What US President, alive or otherwise, would you like to have dinner with?
Abe Lincoln.

5. What is your opinion on multitasking while driving? (Reading a book or work documents, changing clothes, fixing hair, applying make up, shaving your face, et cetera)
Major petpeeve!!! This other day I was driving on the 94 east and this woman was plastering make-up to her face and swurved into the other lane, thank God she didnt cause an accident.

6. Do you ever multitask while driving? If so, how often would you say you are guilty of it?
No

7. Do you tend to be early, on time, fashionably late or LATE to work and work related events? Do you tend to be more or less punctual for non-work related events?
I am usually the one who makes it on time to everything. I try never to be late, I hate it when people are late to my parties and such so I think thats why I try to be on time.

8. What is a quirk your significant other has that you would define as "cute"? If you have no SO, what is a quirk you find cute in a potential SO?
Oh Gosh, lets see....... he does alot of things and I dont think they are really cute--LOL---- I guess its cute when he sings in the shower, he gets all into it too. Or when he tries to sing for me while playing the guitar. Its sweet.

TMI Tuesdays

2008-10-14T09:03:00.001-07:00

TMI Tuesday #155 -- The Seven Virtues

1. Prudence: When do you feel it is most important to exercise prudence? When is it acceptable to throw practicality out the window?

Around elders, certain family members, certain clientele, people with strong opposing religious beleifs its important to exercise caution, prudence and to remain practical. At least thats what my opinion is of this virtue. In other words it means you shouldnt throw the "f" bomb around your great grandpa unless he is comfortable with it.

2. Justice: Is a sense of justice really a virtue, or is only a tool that allows us to pass judgment on others without feeling guilty? What do you feel is the greatest injustice facing the world today?

Toughie.....I think it is a way to pass judgements on those who have hurt us. We feel that if someone does something "bad" to ourselves or someone we love then its okay for us to return the favor. The greatest injustic facing us today is how we treat drug addicts. We send them to prison and treat them as criminals rather then as people who are addicted and need help. And if the few who are lucky enough to not go to prison must pay an arm and a leg for treatment that often fails.

3. Temperance: All things in moderation. Should we allow ourselves a few excesses? How well do you restrain yourself when faced with your deepest desires?

When it comes to red velvet cake, shopping, travel and love making I dont like to have temperance. Maybe I am greedy when it comes to my own desires. Perhaps I should work on that. I guess I am a bit too spoiled even for my own taste.

4. Courage/Fortitude: How well do you confront fear and uncertainty, or intimidation? Does facing the little things make you as brave as facing the big things?

I do not face the uncertain too well in the beginning, but once the future becomes more clear I can relax and realize nothing is permanent, EVERTYHING can be changed. I just must be the one willing to make those changes. I am stronger then I like to realize, perhaps I find more vulnerability in strength then I do in fear.

5. Faith: Is it important to have faith? How steadfast are you in your core beliefs? Do your core beliefs equate to faith in something?

It is very important in my life, but not in a religious sense. I find that most religions are biased and judgemental so I try to remain true to myself and love god and everyone around me. Everyone has something about them that is beautiful. We are all God's children and he loves us each the same. I cant for the life of me beleive that God condemns people to hell. So I just go with love the strongest positive energy around.

6. Hope: Does having hope for the future help you deal with the present? How good are you at finding the good in the bad? What is the thing you hope for most?

I dont think anything is really "bad" its just another adventure on this journey. Each stage in my life has given me strength and knowledge for the next step so even the toughest times I cant look at as bad since the outcome was positive. Hope is a wonderful thing and it will never die.

7. Love/Charity: How easy is it for you to give selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness? How easy is it for you to receive selfless, unconditional, and voluntary loving-kindness?

Its so much easier for me to give then to receive. In our rug business we donate to charities monthly as well as individuals in our community who need help. (www.passionofpersia.com is our business) I am not receptive as much to other people helping me or giving me unconditional love because I have found that most usually want something back in return. The ones who trully mean the unconditional love are my mom, sister, guy, daughter and father. And they are the ones who hold my unconditional love as well. BUT I am always open to someone changing that pattern for me.

Getting out there and seizing the world

2008-10-13T05:50:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I came to realize that I am ready to take the final steps in achieving my dreams and goals. As of January 2009 I will be back in school for Hairstyling, then once I receive my license I plan on moving to Skokie out side of Chicago to work for Mario Trucossi. After that and saving money like crazy I want to buy a condo downtown for my family and myself, continue working and my education (its expensive) for advertising and marketing. Then I want to open my own business, probably a salon with all my own touches. Of course it will feature my guy's business with rugs for sale and a list of our "rug salon services" as well. I was thinking of naming my salon after my daughter, but it will be an earth friendly salon too.

I just am realizing that my life can be more but I have to create it, and create it for myself and my family---not to make anyone approve of me or make others happy. My life must be lived for myself no one else.

BORED

2008-10-11T19:47:00.000-07:00

Name one fact about the last person who last texted you?
Shes in the Phillipines right now

Can you sleep in jeans?
NO! Anything silky and light.

What is something you just don’t understand?
People who are racist, sexist or homophobic. LOVE everyone it doesnt matter their skin color,gender or sexual preference.

Do you like Winter?
I LOVE IT. Snow, Snow and more snow. Too bad it doesnt snow in AZ. Chicago winter can be harsh but is still gorgeous.

Do you enjoy late night phone conversations?
Only with my guy. Ecspecially if he is on a business trip.

Do you like to cuddle?
Yes, sometimes you just need someone to snuggle with.

Do you think a lot of people think bad things about you?
Of course, and I struggle with it, but I am overcoming it and realizing it doesnt matter what others think. Its only about what makes me happy. DAMN IT!

How late did you stay up last night? Why?
Until about 1pm. Late night in downtown Chicago and then Skokie.

What will you be doing at 8AM tomorrow?
Farmers Market!

Anyone make you you mad yesterday?
Hmmmmm probably just this one lady at the grinder who had a mean, wandering eye.

Do you like twinkies?
No, I prefer red velvet cake. If its around me, consider it gone.

Have you looked at anyones ass today?
Haha yep. I must say I like a good butt.

Do you have nightmares?
Very rarely.

What are you doing this weekend?
Navy Pier, Farmers Market,Goirdanos, Michigan Avenue

Ever saw someone die?
Yes :(

Who was the last person that helped you stop crying?
My mom

Have you ever talked on the phone while in the shower?
No, but I have in the tub

One word to describe what you're wearing right now would be?
boring

Ever had plastic surgery?
No

Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No

Would you date someone who was addicted to heavy drugs?
No thank you

What are FIVE and only five traits that you think are important for a relationship to have?

sexual chemistry
same morals and values
good financial mindset
good heart
family man

What is one thing that would make you end a relationship with someone no matter what?
Cheating

Do you consider yourself shy?
Yes

Do you have a tan line anywhere?
No

Do you have any relatives in the military currently?
Yes and friends too

Are you better at math or art?
Art for sure

Who was your 4th grade teacher?
Mrs. Moore

Do you own a musical device?
Silver and blue ipod

Do you know any one named Tyler?
No

Do you think people have any misconceptions about you?
YES

Are you one of the MANY obsessed with Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus?
No

How can someone tell when you are angry with them?
I get defensive and emotional

Do you think too much or too little?
TOO MUCH

How cool do you think you will be when you are old?
Still cool

What was your favorite thing about Halloween as a child?
Trick or treating, I love candy what can I say?

What is you favorite thing about Halloween now?
Getting my daughter a costume and taking her out

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?
Yes sometimes

If there was a large spider in the room, what would you say and do?
Ugh it depends what size it is. If its small I might take a tissue and throw it away or take it outside. If its a big tarantula like what we have in Az. I would surely have my guy come and take it outside.

Have you ever dated a soccer player?
No

Have you ever done something outrageously dumb?
Hahaha I am blonde---so yeah unfortunately

Do you hate the last girl you had a friendly conversation with?
I don't hate anyone.

If I looked under your bed, what would I find?
Probably Jasmyn's toys

Last thing you Googled?
I dont remember

Ever kissed a red head?
No

Do you get distracted easily?
No, but it depends on the subject.

Who is the biggest drama queen you know?
OMG---My mom and probably myself sadly

Have you ever been called a bad influence?
Yes

Do you believe you have common sense?
Ha sometimes

What will you do if you were stuck in the elevator with someone you did not like?
ignore them and get off when I needed too.

Do you really wanna please everybody?
I used too, but not anymore

What are five junk foods you like? Doesn't matter how often or how little you eat them.
Pizza, cake, ice cream, hot cheetos, nutella, twix

Are you allergic to anything?
pollen and cats

What shoes do you wear the most?
My boots

Can you handle the truth?
Yes

How often do you hold back from saying what you are thinking?
I am trying to stop and think and force positive thoughts when I am on a negative mindset. Its not healthy to throw all that negativety back at the universe

Are you happy with where you are relationship wise now?
Yes

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker?
coffee

Have you ever talked to someone when they were high?
Yes

Do you have any close friends or family who are currently addicted to any drugs?
Yes :(

Last night, did you go to sleep smiling?
Yes and tired

What are you currently thinking about?
tomorrow

What’s the reason behind your facebook display name?
I dont like facebook as much, but its just my name

What are you excited about?
LIFE

Have you ever got naked at a party?
NO

Is your phone within a three inch radius of you?
Yes

What color is the thing you are sitting on right now?
Black suede office chair

What did you last take a picture of?
Jasmyn

What were the last 3 CD's you were listening to in the car?
Dont have any cds. Last song I listened to was Elissa -Ahla Dounia, Shakira-Whenever Whereever---and Topoli- Andy and Kanous ( Iranian music)
Favorite drinks?
Mojito, Margarita, Cranberry and Vodka

Does anything hurt on your body?
No

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
Homira surprisingly

Have you ever punched a hole in the wall?
No

Where is the weirdest place you've changed clothes?
my car

What do you plan to be doing with life 6 years from now?
Traveling and exploring my new life as a hair stylist and business owner

My little "pink" dress and pizza pics

2008-10-11T06:32:00.001-07:00

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What were we thinking?

2008-10-10T20:32:00.000-07:00

So today we decided we would venture downtown to the grinder for some dinner and then Michigan Avenue for shopping and site-seeing. UGH! So we waited around all day because the whole family is here and I made lunch and played with the kids and the day just dragged on and on. Finally we decide to take Jasmyn because the rest of the family wanted to go over to a friends house for an iranian party. I didnt want to go because I cant understand anything and it goes from 6pm---12pm without anything but farsi. Nice people but I cant understand a word. So anyway we take 94 east right---big mistake. We were stuck on it for almost an hour. Then we venture with baby in tow screaming for Num Num down to the grinder where there was an hour wait. Not wanting to leave, walk back to the car in heels and try to find yet another parking spot somewhere else we decided to suck it up. Everything is going good until we realize we have 0 cash on us, just credit and they take only cash. Lucky us we were already waiting for 30 minutes. So we left, hopped back onto the 94 west back to Skokie and ran straight for Old Orchard mall. I literally jogged holding Jasmyn into the pizza kitchen and literally inhaled my mojito. Finally our food came and I was able to relax. We are opting for going to the grinder next week but during the week and for lunch. What were we thinking???

Can you tell its been awhile since I have had a "date" night. Even with the baby???

At least this morning was pleasant. We went on the bike trail for a good 20 miles of exercise and fresh air. And I was able to wear my fushcia pink dress from Cache. I love it, I will post pics once I download them. I am too lazy right now.

Finally.......oh wait its just Thursday

2008-10-09T10:25:00.000-07:00

Its sunny out today which is nice.

There is something about this city that truly has my heart. I cant wait for Sunday. We are going to the Navy Pier and then Giordanos. Talk about YUM! I will take lots of pics of all of us and post them here.

And OMG I saw the premier for Janice Dickinson's new season and I was appalled by how she acted to the plus sized models. She is such a bitch. Beautiful on the outside, Ugly on inside---such a waste of beauty. If she was kind and used her heart instead of her looks she would be alot more successful.

Rage against the media

2008-10-08T14:49:00.000-07:00

These are real pics of real runway models. Remember the camera adds 10 pounds. These girls are not healthy and I am sick of this industry telling me I need to look like this or I am ugly. This is crazy. The average woman in America is a size 8 or 12. These girls are modeling clothes for mainstream america and many weigh less then 100 pounds and are size 0. Something is wrong here. Shouldnt we want healthy models showing us how we women should look in clothes. This is not healthy.

Real Women Have Curves Continued

2008-10-08T14:43:00.000-07:00

Real Women Have Curves

2008-10-08T07:02:00.000-07:00

Self-Esteem Booster

2008-10-08T06:51:00.000-07:00

Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 in her prime. She was curvy and fabulous. Back in the day women like her were worshiped, now they are told to lose weight. I remember watching some woman talk about how fat Marilyn Monroe was and that if she was that fat she would just die. I couldnt believe it. Marilyn Monroe was never fat, actually I think she looked better when she was thick then when she lost her weight. I didnt think she had that "bam" factor when she was thin.

I was horrified when I read in the tabloids that Jennifer Love Hewitt was fat. She looked healthy and womenly to me, now that shes lost the weight she looks less like a woman and more like a stick. We women should remember how wonderful we are with curves. I love Tyra Banks, she has curves and didnt care when the tabloids said she was fat. She said "Kiss my fat ass!" Its about time!!!

Rain, Rain, Beautiful Rain

2008-10-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Almost all day yesterday it was raining, a hard downpour that created puddles and lots and lots of little rivers. In Arizona we dont get that kind of rain but maybe once or twice a year, other then that its usually just sprinkling and thunder, lots of thunder.

I cant remember if I posted here about my mother. But anyway the day I arrived in Chicago my sister called me to tell me my mom was in the ER. Of course I felt helpless because I couldnt be there. I am here for a month for business and alittle pleasure. SO anyway I was worried. Finally I find out that she may have a fibroid tumor, or worse ovarian cancer. They found a large "mass" on her ovary. So next week she is going to the cancer treatment clinic and they are going to test the mass. I am praying its benign. But it probably isnt, my mom doesnt have health insurance and has been having pain for quite some time. I am hoping that everything will work out. Anyway she is just going to have them remove all her "stuff", and that should help. This is the second time around. She has had a tumor before and they took it out. So she knows what to expect and isnt worried. I love her for her strength.

So today hopefully the rain will stop. Today I am going shopping with Homira, and then finishing some work and exercising. Jasmyn is having a good time just running around the house. Thank God everyone goes to work and I have a few hours just to myself and Jasmyn. I can truly just relax. I prefer staying in hotels when I am visiting, but my guy's family always offers us and its frowned down upon to not stay with your family. But I like my privacy.

Yesterday me and my guy snuck off for panera bread when it was pouring. We were both starved. We try not to eat to much here because its all so heavy. Yesterday I made fajitas and they were ate up and all the guacomole was gone before I had a chance to go back for seconds. I ate one fajita with guac all day. I was starving and finally we just had to go get food. He is losing wieght, and I think its more so because his family kept talking to him about it. But see they gained wieght too since last year and I told him he should tell them they need to get off their high horse, he isnt fat and they arent skinny. I want to say something to his uncle's who give him a problem about it, but half the time they dont listen anyway. I just try to tell my guy its not healthy not to eat and not be skinny anyway I like him fine just the way he is. He has muscles and can protect me. LOL

2008-10-07T16:59:00.000-07:00

How much money is in your wallet?
NO cash just plastic

Do you still love your ex?
I will always care for him but not in love with him

What kind of car do you drive?
2 kinds mercedes c280 and gmc sierra

Does your boyfriend/girlfriends parents like you?
YEP YEP

Have you ever been punched in the face?
Haha yeah

Do you ever get depressed?
Yep

When is the last time you cried?
yesterday

Ever been on a motorcycle?
yep

Do you think your pretty/handsome?
I think I am okay

Do you go to church?
No, I go to www.humanitysteam.org instead

Do you have a driver's license?
yep

Do people usually like you?
I think so.
Unless they're fake!

Are you emotionally sensitive?
nope

What brand of shirt are you wearing now?
IDK

Do you smoke cigarettes?
No, but occasionally the other stuff

Did you shower today?
yes

Are you closer with your mom or dad?
No

Complete the sentence 'By This Time Next Year':
I will be 10 pounds lighter

Would you ever pose for Playboy?
Yeah---my mom did when she was younger

What is your weapon of choice?
gun

Do you believe once a cheater always a cheater?
usually

What is your goal for this year?
IDK

Do you like to travel?
I love too

What is your favorite kind of food?
mexican

Can you cook?
yep :)

What is your sign?
taurus

Where exactly are you from?
Phoenix

Whats your favorite drink?
Diet coke, margarita, mojito

What kind of movies do you enjoy?
horror

What is you favorite scent?
love spell

Do you have a close family?
no

Do you have any plans that will occur soon?
navy pier

If you aren't married, do you ever wish to get married?
yep

Do you enjoy working at your workplace?
sure

Do you have any peircings or tattoos?
yep...

What is your usual bed time?
11:00 ish

Do you get bored easily?
yes

Would you be ok with being a step parent?
no

What are your living arangements?
With Nima ands Jas

How many pictures are in your living room?
3

Do you wear a bra to bed at night?
yes I dont want them to sag

When was the last time you called in sick?
I can't call in sick, I am self-emplyed

Do you think you have a big butt?
its good

Would you like to look like your mom when you are her age?
yes

Do you think Barack Obama is sexy?
nope

If you won a million dollars, what would you buy first?
bigger house

What time is it right now?
7pm.

Are you pregnant?
nope

How many pairs of shoes do you own?
a lot

Where was the last place you went on vacation?
I am here in Chicago now

Do you talk about your friends behind their back?
sometimes

Are you actually fat but are in complete denial about it?
definitely could lose a few

What color is your mouse pad?
don't have one

Does your kitchen have a theme?
sort of

Do you like to mow the yard?
nope

When was the last time you consumed alcohol?
a few weeks ago...not drinking much lately

Do you know someone who gets food stamps?
yes

What's a phrase you overuse?
ummm...not sure

What did you eat today?
fajitas with homemade guac

When is the next time you will move?
in two years

Isn't there something better you could be doing right now?
cleaning

How often do you wear jewelery?
everyday

What do you need to do tomorrow?
go to downtown chicago for business

Who do you hope never to see again?
not sure

Which friend of yours lives the farthest away?
lots of friends ...miss you guys :(

Today is Good

2008-10-07T06:17:00.000-07:00

Alright today will be a good day. First I played basketball with the two boys and actually made a few baskets. I was surprised I could still do it. It had been awhile, you know what I mean?

And then today for lunch I am going to make fajitas and homemade guacomole. Housrou who is only here until Oct. 15th from Iran has never had authentic mexican food or guacomole so I am going to make it for him. Me being from Arizona anyone who hasnt tasted authentic mexican is in for a treat because I know how to make it the real way.

Here is my recipe:

3 Avocados
1 jalopeno chopped
2-3 green onions chopped
1 lemon juiced
chopped cilantro to taste
1 tomatoe chopped
salt/pepper to taste
dash coriandor

Mash the avocadoes until a thick paste. Fold in the chopped veggies and mix until smooth. Add the cilantro, lemon juice and salt and pepper to taste. Add just a dash of coriandor for good measure.

Anyway I am excited to serve my favorite dish for someone who has never experienced those flavors before. Its kind of cool.

I need to vent

2008-10-06T18:31:00.000-07:00

I am having a really shitty day. Okay this is why I have fucking body image issues. People always talk about my wieght. Enough already!!!! Since I got off the plane thats all everybody has talked about. I am exactly the same size as last year and I guess that means I failed in some way. I work out, eat right, and yes I am not stick thin but I have curves and my guy likes it. Anyway yesterday people came to see me and they said I look great---my guy's cousin looked at them like they were crazy. Then the guests said I lost weight and she said "No! Same, Same!" I felt like I turned red as a tomatoe out of embarrassment. Then the company continued to tell me I am fine the way I am, I have a nice body. But then today again my guy's cousin tells me I need to exercise or else I will get bigger. I exercise all the fucking time, I am not meant to be skin and bones. Before I had Jasmyn I was a size 3 or 5 and now I am a size 6 or 8 depending on the clothes. Yeah I gained weight during my pregnancy but I have kept most of it off. So screw it if I have a few extra pounds. I want to go throw up right now, but I am not going to do it. I just hate how everyone has to make me feel worse. She is skinny in her arms and legs but her stomach is fat, I am proportianate. Look at my pics I have curves. I cant ever be super skinny, so why point it out constantly????? I have muscles and I have endurance, I would like to see her lift 50 pound weight or do 10 push ups at once, or run a mile. I doubt it. I can run a long time at a steady pace without stopping you have to be healthy to do that. I can run 20 minutes without stopping....thats good isnt it?

I hate this. Why do I put so much concern into this? I want to cry right now because I just wish I was at home so I could relax.

farsi frusteration

2008-10-06T10:33:00.001-07:00

Okay I am not trying to complain. I am having a great time I am just alittle frusterated. Yesterday I went to an Iranian picnic and understood absolutely nothing. I stood there within the circle feeling completely out of place with everyone speaking farsi. I could catch a few words here and there but couldnt make out sentences. Trying to be polite I moved over to the music area and stood where some other people were standing to get warm because there was a fireplace. Then a few familair faces and my guy's cousin came to stand by me and continued to speak in farsi. Finally his cousin tried to speak english but the others looked annoyed. I couldnt help but feel self-conscious, like they were talking about me. I know its pathetic to feel this way but its a very uncomfortbal feeling when you know they all speak english but still speak farsi in spite of the fact that you cant understand but a few words. Friday night was the same thing. We all sat around fr0m 7pm until 11pm speaking farsi. I was so bored I dozed off alot, but felt bad because I didnt want to be rude, but I cant understand anything. My guy cant speak farsi very well so he actually fell asleep. I felt like an outcast despite their efforts to fill me in on bits and peices of the conversation. I would have liked them to ask me questions about Arizona, or at least speak in english so I could join in the conversation.

Does anyone else feel this way at any point? I am trying not to take it personal, I dont think they are doing it on purpose but I do wish I could join in conversation it makes me not want to leave the house. It becomes uncomfortable and boring. I dont know if its rude on their part because they all speak english well enough for me to understand? Its a different culture and I accept it, I just wish I could feel more comfortable. I try to just smile and look pretty but it gets old.......any suggestions? I am here for 3 more weeks and have an iranian party to go to 4 more times because they all want to see us and the baby.

Chicago Welcome Party

2008-10-03T21:43:00.000-07:00

The appetizers---Jasmyn went right for the Dolmah and lima beans

Zetish Pollo

Steak and Chicken Kabob

Torshi

Flash Back with Sun

2008-10-01T21:51:00.000-07:00

Memories are amazing. Sometimes things happen that you wish didnt at the time but looking back on it, if you learned from it then it was probably worth it.

My trip to the lake in August was a bit of drama. Alot had to do with the friction between my oh so conservative family and my "okay to smoking pot" ex vet marine persian fiance. Anyway I just got this pic from my cousin Michelle. Its me with my 9 year old cousin Arysten. I never quite realized how much we resembled eachother until this picture came to be and I always wondered what it was that drew me and her together. I have always felt like she looked up to me and felt honored by that. I am hoping that I can be a good role model for her even though I make mistakes. Its these type of pictures, the ones where no one cares what you look like, where your sun burnt and tired, that bring back all the wonderful memories. Too bad I dont have a picture of me and her water tubing, hanging on for dear life and going slow to the expert standards. Hey---what can I say---I am not a thrill seeker. I will leave that to the crazy teens. :)

The Stow Away

2008-09-28T20:55:00.001-07:00

Dear Body,

2008-09-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

I am sorry for mistreating you. For punishing you by using bulima against you. For telling you your worthless, ugly, fat and beyond repair. I am sorry for telling you that your damaged and full of baggage. I am sorry for always making you analyze compliments as only tricks or jabbs, I am sorry for making you feel like you couldnt wear certain clothers or make painful jokes inspite of you.

I am sorry for constantly eating at you to the point of insanity. I am sorry for making you feel quilty about food. For making you go on vegan diets and then forcing you to binge and then purge just to feel satisfied. I am sorry for forcing you to wear make-up out to even the smallest of family functions just so you could feel good for a moment. I am sorry for forcing you to take everything so personal, for allowing you to let others determine your self-worth. I am sorry for allowing others who may have said hurtful things to you out of their own insecurties to further your addiction to self-loathing.

It is time for me to treat you like I would treat everyone else. It is time for me to tell you nice things like you tell everyone else. It is time for me to let you eat a meal in peace without forcing you to feel quilty about it. And its okay body if you dont lose those extra pregnancy pounds. And body your not fat, perhaps I just exaggerate sometimes to make you feel even worse. Have you gained weight since you were in high-school---yes, but thats okay. Who hasnt gained weight after childhood anyhow? And its also time for me to stop comparing you to airbrushed photos in magazines. If you were airbrushed you would look perfect too. Anyone would look perfect in airbrushed photos.

Its okay that your not perfect. It really is, and I want you to just be happy with yourself. Its okay to love yourself for who you are you dont have to change a thing.

Love,

Janel

Pre- letter to bulimia

2008-09-28T20:07:00.000-07:00

I am at the point in my life where I am able to let go of my pre-conceptions of perfect....for bulimia you do not control me....you are not who I am nor who I want to be.........

In black and white it all seems so perfect. Beneath the eyes are the hidden prize. The soul is the important thing....for whats a perfect face without a real, bright place on the inside?

In this mainstream media, I try to see past my "fat cheeks", "turkey neck", "larger sized nose" into who I am beyond those flaws.

And I see my mother, and my grandmother in my features with a touch of my Dad. I am searching for the likeness of my daughter and I cant seem to find it. I know it must be in there somewhere a likeness she has that is present in myself..somewhere.

I dissect my appearance from flaw to flaw. Seeing things I would like to change immediately and things that I dont mind as much but would also like to change. My stretchmarks from childbirth or weightgain that I just cant seem to lose no matter how hard I try..........But in those things I also see the strength of my mother, Grandmother and Great Grandmother all interconnected all apart of me. I am a mother and from being one comes the scars of acceptance, of giving my body up so another could grow inside and become wonderful......my body gave life so how can I continue to hate that which has given me such a beautiful daughter?

Perhaps beauty is in the eye of the beholder, perhaps mine is biased because I can only see flaws, perhaps because I have been trying for so long to change those flaws that I cant just accept them at face value, rather I must pick them apart until I feel even worse about myself. Or perhaps because you bulimia have tricked me into a cycle of self-hatred, self-doubt and self-destruction for your own gain..........

And then I realize that erasing my flaws is also like erasing what makes me... me. That maybe the flaws that were past down to me or the little imperfections that make Janel perfectly imperfect and interesting.

I guess it wouldnt be quite as interesting if I looked so symmetrical and square. Perhaps a carbon copy of me trying to copy someone else wouldnt be the best thing for me. I can stop trying to please others by doing what I think needs to be done to make me "presentable" because if I look really look deep I see that I am presentable and unique just keeping who I already am.

My blog friend started a project on body image..... Maybe it can help me accept my own. Its uniqueness after the birth of my child, the imperfections..... I mean so many women change through plastic surgery but are still broken on the inside.... I think I am on the road to recovery ...or I know I am even if I have a relapse or dont always feel the best about myself. I guess what counts is that I can look at it for what it is. Just an eating disorder, just a problem with food. But I am realizing food is not the enemy, it is what fuels my body, its what makes me able to go bike riding pulling my daughter along in her attached seat, or lift weights, or paint, or shop, or even make love to my fiance. Its what cares for my daughter when she needs me, its what makes me able to have energy to care for my family. Its what my soul needs to accomplish whatever it needs to have accomplished in this lifetime. This body is my own and its okay not to be perfect I dont have to punish myself because I am okay just the way I am.

I want a wife too damnit

2008-09-26T17:47:00.001-07:00

"Why I Want a Wife" by Judy Brady/Syfers (1971)

(Editors Note: This classic piece of feminist humor appeared in the
premier issue of Ms. Magazine and was widely circulated in the
women's movement.)

1.
I belong to that classification of people known as wives. I am A
Wife.
2.
And, not altogether incidentally, I am a mother. Not too long ago
a male friend of mine appeared on the scene fresh from a recent
divorce. He had one child, who is, of course, with his ex-wife. He is
looking for another wife. As I thought about him while I was ironing
one evening, it suddenly occurred to me that I too, would like to
have a wife. Why do I want a wife?
3.
I would like to go back to school so that I can become
economically independent, support myself, and if need be, support
those dependent upon me. I want a wife who will work and send
me to school. And while I am going to school I want a wife to take
care of my children. I want a wife a wife to keep track of the
children's doctor and dentist appointments. And to keep track of
mine, too. I want a wife to make sure my children eat properly and
are kept clean. I want a wife who will wash the children's clothes
and keep them mended. I want a wife who is a good nurturing
attendant to my children, who arranges for their schooling, makes
sure that they have an adequate social life with their peers, takes
them to the park, the zoo, etc. I want a wife who takes care of the
children when they are sick, a wife who arranges to be around
when the children need special care, because, of course, I cannot
miss classes at school. My wife must arrange to lose time at work
and not lose the job. It may mean a small cut in my wife's income
from time to time, but I guess I can tolerate that. Needless to say,
my wife will arrange and pay for the care of the children while my
wife is working.
4.
I want a wife who will take care of my physical needs. I want a
wife who will keep my house clean. A wife who will pick up after my
children, a wife who will pick up after me. I want a wife who will
keep my clothes clean, ironed, mended, replaced when need be,
and who will see to it that my personal things are kept in their
proper place so that I can find what I need the minute I need it. I
want a wife who cooks the meals, a wife who is a good cook. I
want a wife who will plan the menus, do the necessary grocery
shopping, prepare the meals,serve them pleasantly, and then do
the cleaning up while I do my studying. I want a wife who will care
for me when I am sick and sympathize with my pain and loss of time
from school. I want a wife to go along when our family takes a
vacation so that someone can continue care for me and my when I
need a rest and change of scene. I want a wife who will not bother
me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties. But I want a wife
who will listen to me when I feel the need to explain a rather
difficult point I have come across in my course of studies. And I
want a wife who will type my papers for me when I have written
them.
5.
I want a wife who will take care of the details of my social life.
When my wife and I are invited out by my friends, I want a wife
who take care of the baby-sitting arrangements. When I meet
people at school that I like and want to entertain, I want a wife
who will have the house clean, will prepare a special meal, serve it
to me and my friends, and not interrupt when I talk about things
that interest me and my friends. I want a wife who will have
arranged that the children are fed and ready for bed before my
guests arrive so that the children do not bother us. I want a wife
who takes care of the needs of my quests so that they feel
comfortable, who makes sure that they have an ashtray, that they
are passed the hors d'oeuvres, that they are offered a second
helping of the food, that their wine glasses are replenished when
necessary, that their coffee is served to them as they like it. And I
want a wife who knows that sometimes I need a night out by
myself.
6.
I want a wife who is sensitive to my sexual needs, a wife who
makes love passionately and eagerly when I feel like it, a wife who
makes sure that I am satisfied. And, of course, I want a wife who
will not demand sexual attention when I am not in the mood for it. I
want a wife who assumes the complete responsibility for birth
control, because I do not want more children. I want a wife who will
remain sexually faithful to me so that I do not have to clutter up my
intellectual life with jealousies. And I want a wife who understands
that my sexual needs may entail more than strict adherence to
monogamy. I must, after all, be able to relate to people as fully as
possible.
7.
If, by chance, I find another person more suitable as a wife than
the wife I already have, I want the liberty to replace my present
wife with another one. Naturally, I will expect a fresh, new life; my
wife will take the children and be solely responsible for them so that
I am left free.
8.
When I am through with school and have a job, I want my wife to
quit working and remain at home so that my wife can more fully and
completely take care of a wife's duties.
9.
My God, who wouldn't want a wife?

One of the most beautiful places in the world--Manzanillo Mexico

2008-09-23T20:28:00.000-07:00

Trying to end the negativity

2008-09-23T19:28:00.000-07:00

Ugh, I am dedicated to stopping the negativity cycle and I think it is working. I am starting to realize what I am thinking and when I realize that the outcome will only be a bad feeling I stop thinking it. I am learning to control my mind, rather then have my mind control me.

Whenever something negative that someone in my family has said to me, or friends or people I dont know pops up, if I start thinking about it, I stop myself before it becomes a feeling. I am finding its quite difficult to do since those pesky, hurtful things seem to pop up in my mind an awful lot.

I have found out that I take things WAY too personal. I have realized that sometimes people say hurtful things to me because they are in fact hurting themselves on the inside. Alot of times people say hurtful things to others out of their own inward pains or jealousy or insecurities. Even I am not immune to that. Afterall I do seem to lash out at those I love the most. Sometimes I say such awful things to the man I love that I have to catch myself and realize words are an everlasting thing once spoken. Regardless of what people say about actions speaking louder then words, I think its the same. Words can hurt, or feel just as good as actions do.

I have vowed to say at least one positive thing to Jasmyn and Nima per day about themselves that way the positive energy can start to really flow in. I constantly tell Jasmyn I love her and she has started to say it back. Even if a two year old doesnt understand what it means yet, when she does I want her to remember always hearing it. :)

I have also tried to tell something positive to myself each day to help counteract all the crap I have fed myself day after day. After being so hard on myself for so long I feel like I need to give my body alittle bit of a break so to speak.

I have been active in the conversation with god blog community which helps me express feelings to others. I have been exercising daily with my family which brings us closer together for 2 hours out of the day doing something positive and healthy together as a family. And me and Nima have been able to spend more quality time together. Work has been a steady flow and pace and the financials seem to be remaining at a secure level. It feels good to not have to worry about money. Its like instead of fighting the money issue when you finally except its not a bad thing to get paid for what you do, then the money can actually start to come into your life.

I think that everyone lives different lives and that what is right for me may not be right for someone else. I feel that even though unfair judgements have been placed on, its alos not right for me to place them on others. If someone doesnt live to my standards, its okay. Everyone in this life is exactly where they are supposed to be in this lifetime. Everyone is on their own seperate journey of learning and remembering and figuring out who they are. I need to stop judging myself and just accept me as I am. I need to stop looking for flaws or things that need to be changed. People are not meant to live in one way, or by one standard. We are all different, all unique but all connected as the same time. What a wonderful thing to have so many brothers and sisters from all over the world and to be able to connect with them on at least one common ground---Love instead of judgement or fear.

I will live my life out of love not fear. Of course it wont be easy but its worth a shot.....

Tomorrow will be busy. 9 days before Chicago....I really cant wait the excitement is too intense.

An Essay by Tom Wise

2008-09-23T11:10:00.000-07:00

This is Your Nation
on White Privilege
by Tim Wise

For those who still can't grasp the concept of white privilege, or who are constantly looking for some easy-to-understand examples of it, perhaps this list will help.

White privilege is when you can get pregnant at seventeen like Bristol Palin and everyone is quick to insist that your life and that of your family is a personal matter, and that no one has a right to judge you or your parents, because "every family has challenges," even as black and Latino families with similar "challenges" are regularly typified as irresponsible, pathological and arbiters of social decay.

White privilege is when you can call yourself a "f- - -in' redneck," like Bristol Palin's boyfriend does, and talk about how if anyone messes with you, you'll "kick their f- - -in' ass," and talk about how you like to "shoot shit" for fun, and still be viewed as a responsible, all-American boy (and a great son-in-law to be) rather than a thug.

White privilege is when you can attend four different colleges in six years like Sarah Palin did (one of which you basically failed out of, then returned to after making up some coursework at a community college), and no one questions your intelligence or commitment to achievement, whereas a person of color who did this would be viewed as unfit for college, and probably someone who only got in in the first place because of affirmative action.

White privilege is when you can claim that being mayor of a town smaller than most medium-sized colleges, and then Governor of a state with about the same number of people as the lower fifth of the island of Manhattan, makes you ready to potentially be president, and people don't all piss on themselves with laughter, while being a black U.S. Senator, two-term state Senator, and constitutional law scholar, means you're "untested."

White privilege is being able to say that you support the words "under God" in the pledge of allegiance because "if it was good enough for the founding fathers, it's good enough for me," and not be immediately disqualified from holding office - since, after all, the pledge was written in the late 1800s and the "under God" part wasn't added until the 1950s - while believing that reading accused criminals and terrorists their rights (because, ya know, the Constitution, which you used to teach at a prestigious law school requires it), is a dangerous and silly idea only supported by mushy liberals.

White privilege is being able to be a gun enthusiast and not make people immediately scared of you.

White privilege is being able to have a husband who was a member of an extremist political party that wants your state to secede from the Union, and whose motto was "Alaska first," and no one questions your patriotism or that of your family, while if you're black and your spouse merely fails to come to a 9/11 memorial so she can be home with her kids on the first day of school, people immediately think she's being disrespectful.

White privilege is being able to make fun of community organizers and the work they do - like, among other things, fight for the right of women to vote, or for civil rights, or the 8- hour workday, or an end to child labor - and people think you're being pithy and tough, but if you merely question the experience of a small town mayor and 18-month governor with no foreign policy expertise beyond a class she took in college - you're somehow being mean, or even sexist.

White privilege is being able to convince white women who don't even agree with you on any substantive issue to vote for you and your running mate anyway, because all of a sudden your presence on the ticket has inspired confidence in these same white women, and made them give your party a "second look."

White privilege is being able to fire people who didn't support your political campaigns and not be accused of abusing your power or being a typical politician who engages in favoritism, while being black and merely knowing some folks from the old-line political machines in Chicago means you must be corrupt.

White privilege is being able to attend churches over the years whose pastors say that people who voted for John Kerry or merely criticize George W. Bush are going to hell, and that the U.S. is an explicitly Christian nation and the job of Christians is to bring Christian theological principles into government, and who bring in speakers who say the conflict in the Middle East is God's punishment on Jews for rejecting Jesus, and every one can still think you're just a good church-going Christian, but if you're black and friends with a black pastor who has noted (as have Colin Powell and the U.S. Department of Defense) that terrorist attacks are often the result of U.S. foreign policy and who talks about the history of racism and its effect on black people, you're an extremist who probably hates America.

White privilege is not knowing what the Bush Doctrine is when asked by a reporter, and then people get angry at the reporter for asking you such a "trick question," while being black and merely refusing to give one-word answers to the queries of Bill O'Reilly means you're dodging the question, or trying to seem overly intellectual and nuanced.

White privilege is being able to claim your experience as a POW has anything at all to do with your fitness for president, while being black and experiencing racism is, as Sarah Palin has referred to it a "light" burden.

And finally, white privilege is the only thing that could possibly allow someone to become president when he has voted with George W. Bush 90 percent of the time, even as unemployment is skyrocketing, people are losing their homes, inflation is rising, and the U.S. is increasingly isolated from world opinion, just because white voters aren't sure about that whole "change" thing. Ya know, it's just too vague and ill-defined, unlike, say, four more years of the same, which is very concrete and certain.

DEAR MAMA by TUPAC

2008-09-22T10:09:00.001-07:00

"Dear Mama"

You are appreciated

[Verse One: 2Pac]

When I was young me and my mama had beef
Seventeen years old kicked out on the streets
Though back at the time, I never thought I'd see her face
Ain't a woman alive that could take my mama's place
Suspended from school; and scared to go home, I was a fool
with the big boys, breakin all the rules
I shed tears with my baby sister
Over the years we was poorer than the other little kids
And even though we had different daddy's, the same drama
When things went wrong we'd blame mama
I reminice on the stress I caused, it was hell
Huggin on my mama from a jail cell
And who'd think in elementary?
Heeey! I see the penitentiary, one day
And runnin from the police, that's right
Mama catch me, put a whoopin to my backside
And even as a crack fiend, mama
You always was a black queen, mama
I finally understand
for a woman it ain't easy tryin to raise a man
You always was committed
A poor single mother on welfare, tell me how ya did it
There's no way I can pay you back
But the plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus: Reggie Green & "Sweet Franklin" w/ 2Pac]

Lady...
Don't cha know we love ya? Sweet lady
Dear mama
Place no one above ya, sweet lady
You are appreciated
Don't cha know we love ya?

[second and third chorus, "And dear mama" instead of "Dear mama"]

[Verse Two: 2Pac]

Now ain't nobody tell us it was fair
No love from my daddy cause the coward wasn't there
He passed away and I didn't cry, cause my anger
wouldn't let me feel for a stranger
They say I'm wrong and I'm heartless, but all along
I was lookin for a father he was gone
I hung around with the Thugs, and even though they sold drugs
They showed a young brother love
I moved out and started really hangin
I needed money of my own so I started slangin
I ain't guilty cause, even though I sell rocks
It feels good puttin money in your mailbox
I love payin rent when the rent's due
I hope ya got the diamond necklace that I sent to you
Cause when I was low you was there for me
And never left me alone because you cared for me
And I could see you comin home after work late
You're in the kitchen tryin to fix us a hot plate
Ya just workin with the scraps you was given
And mama made miracles every Thanksgivin
But now the road got rough, you're alone
You're tryin to raise two bad kids on your own
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus]

[Verse Three: 2Pac]

Pour out some liquor and I reminsce, cause through the drama
I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I'm hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus
When I was sick as a little kid
To keep me happy there's no limit to the things you did
And all my childhood memories
Are full of all the sweet things you did for me
And even though I act craaazy
I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me
I wish I could take the pain away
If you can make it through the night there's a brighter day
Everything will be alright if ya hold on
It's a struggle everyday, gotta roll on
And there's no way I can pay you back
But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated

[Chorus]

Sweet lady
And dear mama

Dear mama
Lady [3X]

Jasmyn the Supermodel

2008-09-21T21:09:00.000-07:00

Me and Jasmyn

2008-09-21T20:59:00.000-07:00

Craziness

2008-09-21T20:52:00.000-07:00

I cant beleive it. I really cant. How life changes so fast, its like being swept off your feet. God knocks on your door and says "hey!" this gets better from here dont stop now, its only the beginning!

I have been overwhelmed with all the positive energy coming from people I dont even know most of all. I have been touched by people through this blog, through the conversations with God blog, through people in line with me at the grocery store, clients on the phone, people I pass while bike riding. I cant believe how could it feels to finally notice the positive and to put aside the negative for good.

And I cant even figure out where to begin on how good it feels to be able to look at myself in the mirror and not feel defeated. To finally look at myself and say hey your not bad looking---you might not be airbrushed playboy model, but your not bad. LOL

If you would have told me that even alittle bit of therapy could have helped me over come my body image issues even a month ago I would have laughed in your face. Now I see I wasted precious time when I could have been getting healed.

My final step in accepting myself will be to write a letter to myself apologizing for how harshly I have judged myself. It will be emotional but I plan on posting it here. I think it will be a good way for me to put that part of my life in the past FOR GOOD.

Conversations With God

2008-09-20T19:57:00.000-07:00

Its been awhile since my last blog, and I must say a ton has happened. First thought I must tell anyone who reads this to please go and get the book Conversations With God--Book 1 By Neale Donald Walsch. Sometimes they say we choose the book and other times the book chooses us.

Well since dealing with bulima and depression and trying to make everyone else happy. I finally tumbled down into a whole, and what was waiting for me---this book. It chose me one day when 15 books were literally laid out before me by my aunt and she said choose one. The first book I chose was "Why is God Laughing" I quickly put it down when I saw the CWG book. My Aunt picked it up and handed it to me. "This is the one I think you need to read." I couldnt put it down from that point on. Then it was on to Book 2 and finally, now Book 3. This book has reminded me that God is always there and has always been there. That he never abandoned me, that I simply wasnt ready to listen to him. But he has reminded me that I am somebody worth a whole lot with a whole lot to give to this world.

They say it can only take one person to change the world and I believe it. This book has started a ripple effect in my life and I cant wait to see the end result, perhaps there wont be an end, the positive energy will just continue to grow and grow and grow!

Another book I suggest reading is The Shack. Its a wonderful story that turns tradegy into a story of ove and forgiveness and lets us all remember that God love everyone. :)

I have so much energy lately and I have been exercising more and just working on myself. I finally realize that I create my own reality, the chose is mine, I am in control and can have any life I want. It doesnt matter what others think or think I should have, its up to me. This life is mine and its wonderful.

Sending much love and positive energy through the world!

Get it right= my thoughts after watching

2008-08-09T17:06:00.000-07:00

WOW! Just like in the bible and how people can intepret things differently the same is with the koran. Some years ago I considered myself to be muslim. But I had changed religions more often then hairstyles because I had been searching for something that was already there. Anyway I consider myself to be a spiritual person now and closer to God then ever before, but I beleive each religion has its place and purpose and God will reward each on their own accord (as it says similary in the holy Koran.)

SO the point of this is I was watching a special on the koran and the meanings of things. And just as in the bible so many people look at it so differently. Of course you have the main division of islam which is between the suni and shiite'. One believes in a direct relationship with allah and the other beleives you must go to Allah indirectly through an Iman (saint). But anyway I was dumbfounded to find how many women disagree about the hijab, and how many men disagree about the treatment of women. One Religious leader says circumsion will keep muslim women from becoming whores, one Religious Scholar (whom is correct) states that any mutilation is against the koran.

Basically just like with the bible people can bend the Koran to do their bidding be it for peace, war or oppression. I pray that peace will prevail and that Allah will come into the hearts of all and open them to becoming accepting and tolerant of those who are different.

I also hope that a new era beings soon where people can accept all cultures and religions without pointing fingers. I hope my half-iranian daughter can be accepted by all even when she is with her Great Grandma whom wears the hijab 100% of the time, and that no one points their fingers or thinks she is some far off ignorant person. Remember that in each part of the world, each race, each religion there are good people and what some would consider bad. It is not specific to one group more then the other. We are all in Gods likeness and we all deserve a fair chance...........
Thanks for reading....

Some thoughts

2008-08-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Wow havent written in a while been really busy. Alot has happened and I need to vent.
Vacation will be here in less then 3 days and I am dying for it already. This week has been long, too long and its not over yet. :(
So anyway me and my guy faught on Saturday about something that keeps coming up. He tends to think I dont care about him, but I do, which ultimately trinkles down he says to the business. Its so frusterating he is so consumed sometimes in the business that he expects everyone around him to be so consumed by it as well. But he forgets that I am a mother to a two year old girl first and a business partner second. Through everything I see that I am becoming at the bottom of the totem pole in my own life and I dont want that!
Anyway so I vowed that I would make more time for myself as well as for my daughter. Its easy with her because she is happy with watercolor painting for a half hour and then some dancing or playing patty cake. I have been taking time for myself to do my nails or workout or just chill in front of the tv. Call it selfish but I cant feel guilty about it anymore.
Owning a business is wonderful but parts of it are all consuming, and for me working at home is becoming harder because I dont feel like I have an actual place to just relax at. But I can make it work, it just takes some tweaking. And going away for awhile helps!
I cant wait for vacation.

Yummy Fried Chicken

2008-07-25T21:05:00.000-07:00

Okay I am usually a health food nut---I am all about salads. BUT my guy is all into southern cookin and has been asking me to get into that style of cooking alittle more. Well I decided to try this recipe and OMG it is sooooooooo good. So I wanted to share it. Also I added my special berry cobbler desert (low fat) recipe :)

FRIED CHICKEN BREASTS

5-6 chicken breasts
crisco
iron skillet
splatter screen
kickin chicken spice mix
flour
buttermilk (half carton)
cooling and drain rack

Soak chicken in buttermilk for at LEAST 8 hours. Drain buttermilk into seperate bowl (for double dipping)

Melt crisco into skillet (at least enough to fill skillet halfway when melted) on low heat. While crisco is melthing prepare chicken.

Mix a good heap of flour with enough spice to get it evenly dispursed. Now take one peice of chicken at a time and coat with flour mixture once. Then re-dip into buttermilk and re-coat. It will be thick!

Once crisco is melted turn heat up to medium high. Test oil---if flour floats and sizzles its ready. Do not let crisco over heat keep at a low-medium to medium high setting, keep an eye on it.

Place 2 to 3 peices of chicken in at a time. Cook each side until dark golden brown turning only once. Usually about 10 minutes on each side. But make sure you check it because ovens and cooking times vary.

Drain cooked chicken on cooling rack and enjoy with cold salad and hot sauce!

BERRY COBBLER

3 cups fresh blueberries
1 cup fresh strawberries sliced
1 lemon juiced
3 tsps vanilla extract
1 1/2 cups bisquick healthy heart baking mix
3/4 cup sugar
cinnamon/ sugar mixture to taste
2-3 tbspns low fat butter to crumble

Preheat oven to 350 degrees

mix berries with the juice of one lemon and 1 tsp vanilla extract. Place in a buttered glass casserole dish.

Mix baking mix with sugar, vanilla and cinnamon to taste. You can use as much cinnamon or as little depending on preference. Take butter and mash into mixture forming a crumb like mixture. You dont want it to became to moisturized. You want it to remain crumbly.

Coat the top of the berries with the crumb mixture. Place in oven for 40-45 minutes until golden brown.

Serve with vanilla bean ice cream and whipped cream!

yeah she is potty trained

2008-07-23T09:30:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note today. My daughter has successfully been potty trained!

Happy that its Tuesday

2008-07-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

I am just counting down the days until August 11th. I am going on vacation from August 11th through the 25rd in Oregon (YAY Coast). Then soon after possibly Chicago if all works out with scheduling.

Oregon is such a great place to unwind. There is so mug vegetation and water. Its a drastic change from the desert of Arizona. I cant wait until I can send Jasmyn off into the water and watch her play along the beach of the Oregon Coast. New Port is best where seal rock park is near by.

And then to spend time with some family, eat beneath the stars because it isnt scorching should be a wonderful time.

I miss Chicago soooooo much. I had orginally visited New York City First and fell in love there, but that was before Chicago. There is something different about Chicago. Of course it could have something to do with the fact that my Grandma was born there and my mother was raised there for a short time of her life. But there is just something about the city that keeps calling me back.

Maybe its the stories of Al Capone or maybe its just the pizza. Good ole Ginos. You cant go to Chicago without visiting Ginos on Michigan Avenue and leaving your mark on the walls, or tables :). Or maybe its the shopping, the thrill of it. The fashionistas that I suddenly become a part of. I dont know but I LOVE IT.

Its great that some of my guys family lives there now. We can go visit family as well as get our fill of the city before coming home to the small town of Anthem. Of course Phoenix isnt far away, but that smalltown feel is still present.

Alright well I am just getting more anxious and excited about vacation and I need to work.

Some Of my Art........

2008-07-22T09:23:00.001-07:00

This is a painting I did with acrylic. I tried to scan the whole image but it was too large. Below the image in red are the words--Freedom Of Religion, alongside the woman is a gold cross.

The inspiration for this was that in this country we say we have a freedom of religion, but not really. We are too quick to judge those that are different. I wanted to do something that would hit home with most people as well as inspire dialog.

The image is not meant to be entirely realistic, I wanted it to be more abstract with a hint of realism and this is what I ended up with.

This is another sketch done for a drawing class. We had to use different shades of pencils, as you can see from the above scale.

This is a still life of a mexican kitchen. In the background are dried chilis, and a saint candle. This is from my imagination, but also from some experiences in mexico. Such a rich, beautiful culture.

This image was just pure imagination. I wanted everything to be realistic but the cat, to add something different.

This is a sketch that was done for one of my many drawing classes. It is a still life taken from my living room side table. I added the window to give it my own twist.